Morning gorgeous XX

How are you all doing today? You good I hope? If you are, long may it continue and if not; big hugs and I wish you well.

This morning i’m going to play long ball with my own gender identity. I’m going in deep. Right back into my early childhood; now I’m ready to do so.

** Just to balance the books, I don’t want no sympathy and no trolls. This is me literally diarising what I think – day to day. That’s what a blog should be, isn’t it? **

Right, now that’s gone. I can jump in with both feet…

So I’m bouncing around the Internet, using my phone, waiting for my post and a parcel. When I come across a question on a Q&A site that I’ve been frequenting a great deal recently. It came from a concerned parent regarding their transgender child. The parent agrees that the child is Trans; but wants to explain to the child they are too young to understand the ramifications of hormones and surgery. On the face of it, the question appeared to be sound – my reasoning is take everything at face value and go from there. The answer relayed information regarding suicide rates in Transit youth and questioned the parents motives. “Think about your child?”, effectively.

Still all good in my book. Not my argument, I can still see both sides as I’m a parent myself. Any parent would rightly have those concerns and hopefully not express them in front of the child.

It linked to a video about research into transgender children – all well and good. A hot topic, don’t get me wrong, but one I have mixed views on as I can see both sides of the argument. No problem with that video. The next two I watched took me out at the knees…

And I cried. A lot.

If anyone reading this wants to watch the video, look for ‘The Dangers of Transgender Ideology’ on YouTube. It was damned hard for me to watch; but I did it none the less. Next up was a video from Germaine Greer about transgender women not being women. Put the two together and you get my state of mind at the end of it. This hurts and people are people, no two views are the same, I fully understand that. But when those views are presented in a way which makes you question your own identity, are they being correctly presented though?

So look, this is all new to me, this a voyage of self discovery and I was prepared to run with it – All the way. Way back into my childhood in fact. I went back through my teenage years, back through those memories of lying there in bed; playing with myself and discovering that I liked the female role in sexual situations. Back through the memories of first discovering my sexual organs and how they made me feel. And right back through the hurt and pain of my brother, the abuse from him and his peers, and the rape. All the way back to when I was a little boy, about five years old, and I was wanting to play with my sisters; rather than my brother. Wanting that because I didn’t like boys and boys things, because I didn’t want to be a boy – I wanted to be a girl.

I paused for a moment, back there and I thought about what life would have been like for me had therapy been involved. Had doctors and psychotherapists intervened and shown me a different way of thinking, a more male orientated one. What effect would that have had on my psyche? Well I don’t like the male penis I have attached to me. I used to wonder what the hell it was doing there and I couldn’t leave it alone – I was always being told off for that. And when it was finally presented to me (by my brother might I add) as as sexual organ, I hated it.

I tried to make it work for me but I couldn’t, at the time. Although I enjoyed orgasm, I always found ways to make it different; for it to last longer – the male orgasm is a short, sharp, shock; and that wasn’t enough for me, I wanted more. When I discovered there were other areas of my body that gave me sexual pleasure, I concentrated on those and used the penis as a mechanism to achieve orgasm afterward – much like women do with the clitoris. I became fascinated with the Angus and used it as a point of entry, bringing feelings that I might be gay – yet knowing that I am not (I have a family member who is and I’m not like them, remember?)

I remembered that I spent a great deal of time grooming as a teenager, a lot of time in the shower, and what I got up to in there – Shower sex, and how it made me feel (The term for it back in the day was Autogynephillia, old skool thinking here). How would I have felt about my genitalia had I been told something different, how would I feel about them now?

I thought about my sexual preference and what I’ve done to achieve that. I’ve had sex with a man, I’ve allowed it to happen and it happened in a female way, I was content with that. My feelings were feminine and I was happy with that, too. I’ve also had sex with women, more so than men. But I was never entirely happy with the orgasm’s I had. I was happy with some, don’t get me wrong but not all.

So after all of that, what did I choose? What did I choose for me? Taking into account all the social conditioning, all the possibilities of psychotherapy and all the psychotherapy I’ve been through, and finally, my own sense of self and my own feelings? (Yes, I did it that way around for a reason)

I cam to the conclusion that I am a Woman. I am a Trans Woman. And that I am proud to be a Trans Woman. I feel Trans.

Isn’t that what this blog is about?…

In closing, I hope the author of that video gets to read this post one day, I really do. Because if that paediatrician thinks she can change my mind about who I am, what I want to become and where I want to take my life. She’s welcome to give it a shot. She talks in that video about family therapy and environmental factors. About how helping the family to help the child works and the child grows up normal. About how years of psychotherapy and the child accepting their gender role works – The child grows into their role and all is fine.

Well I’ll tell you now. If you’ve read any of this blog, you’ll know that’s bullshit. None of my ex girlfriends, or my family, had the faintest idea. And thanks to the social conditioning I was brought up with, neither did I.

Love to you all,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous XX

Had to post this, real quick one. To celebrate my one year anniversary, I did something today I knew I’d need to do and my god I feel good for doing it. Look at the picture below and see what you guys think…

Yes, you guessed it – Gone are the wigs, almost permanently. I’ve kept the new ones as they come in handy for occasions but I don’t think I need them any more. It’s time to work on my own hair. See what you think…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Evening Gorgeous xx

How are you all doing? You OK? Good, good.

** This article needs editing, but it’s 4am and I can’t be bothered – another day **

Right. I seem to be laying things out a lot straighter than I used to, then going off on a mission explaining myself. It something I’m good at and it’s not a personality trait I intend to lose and I quite like it. This post is no different; but this post comes as a surprise, to me at least. The back story, is I was writing another post; regarding something completely different – I’ll post it after this one but this one is to be pinned. This one is important.

So I’ll go back to the beginning; way back. I was 4 years old. I was struck ill with what I was told for a long time was Epilepsy and it was treated as that. Being different anyway, I was taunted and cursed by my peers for it. For years it was a curse over me. It’s one of the two reasons I was raped – Their taunts of ‘Eppy’ and ‘He’s Gay’ pretty much prove it. But I’m not Gay and I’m not Epileptic – At the time I didn’t know what I was. This produced a great deal of depression; which persists to this day – Even now I still take Fluoxetine at 40mg daily, Depression is a killer if not managed correctly.

It took me many years to come to terms with all that, however. The final trigger being me taking drugs for several years in the early 2000’s. One single event stands out from that though. An event where I popped a pill at well known Dance Festival (Creamfields in 2001 to be precise), and everything changed. The ‘Deja-Vu’ as I’ve become accustomed to calling it began in earnest. Now I’ve written about my Deja-Vu, in a previous post, and been unable to explain the phenomenon clearly; but we will come back to it shortly. I want to move on for a reason. In 2004 I came off drugs, realised I was raped, sorted out what I could and started to move on with my life. Great. Moved to Cambridge, had a son, all seemed OK – Not. Behind the scenes something was wrong and I’ve spent the last two years trying to work out what.

I split with my son’s mum in 2016 after a troubled end to a good relationship, not without its faults mind; but it was a good time in my life. I love my son very much and I miss him dearly – I’ll see him again soon. The split, however, lead me down a path that resulted in a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, specifically Asperger Syndrome (AS) in September of that year.

This set off a chain of events which I have written about in previous posts and I’ll not recount. The result of those events, ultimately, is this blog. This has all been born out of my diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria in 2017, the resultant transition in the December and all the changes which have happened since. I’ve talked a lot about those changes as well and won’t repeat them here either.

In amongst all of that, I’ve had a fascination with brain function; especially my own. I’ve been looking for a connection that links everything together, as I’ve always believed these events and symptoms are related in some way – They all happen to me, lets be honest. So, in that case, what’s wrong with me? Why is my brain different? Why doesn’t it work in the same way as everybody else? Well I think I’ve got a reason for that – Something I never knew about before know that appears to connect everything together.

Meet the NMDAR, or N-Methyl-D-Aspartate Receptor – I said this was technical, didn’t I?

OK, so lets get started. NMDA is an Amino Acid derivative that is very similar to Glutamate, the brains primary excitatory neurotransmitter. NMDA was developed by pharmacologists in order to activate and identify a particular subtype of neurotransmitters in the brain, ideally those involved in synaptic plasticity and memory function of the cell, or basically 1/3 of what makes it tick (No I’m not going into detail).

What’s this got to do with me? OK, well; lets start with the fact that a cell receptor is activated by two different types of drug: The cell receptor Agonist and the Antagonist. The Agonist binds to a cell receptor and fully activates that receptor; thereby allowing it to work. The Antagonist also binds to the receptor but does not activate it, and can block the action of other Agonists – stopping the receptor from working. Reference this to the NMDA Receptor and we have two lists of drugs NMDA Agonists and NMDA Antagonists. This is very simplified and the science is much more detailed and complex, much beyond the scope of what I’m talking about.

We need to know the above to understand the lightbulb moment that happened when I read this blog post: Depersonalization in gender dysphoria: widespread and widely unrecognized. Why a lightbulb moment? Well, this paragraph in particular gripped me:

Speaking personally, I noticed the lifting of depersonalization symptoms within one to two weeks after beginning HRT, and this was something that I had simply never felt before – neither during previous transition milestones such as coming out and presenting as a woman full-time, nor at any other point. Nothing has ever come close before or since. The difference felt almost undeniably chemical; merely being excited about major events in my life had never caused such a noticeable and unexpected change. Scott at Slate Star Codex has also noted that estrogen can act on NMDA receptors, which are implicated in dissociative symptoms broadly, although the potential role of such a mechanism in gender dysphoria is highly speculative.

Note the highlighted words regarding NMDA receptors and you’re onto my thinking – Yeah, it’s tentative but there’s more. Off I went and followed the link and started reading about NMDA receptors and such and I found this paragraph:

Drugs that block NMDA receptors cause dissociation. The most famous dissociative anaesthetic, ketamine, is an NMDA antagonist. So is DXM, a recreational drug that causes dissociation in abusers. Wikipedia’s list of dissociative drugs is basically just fifty-five NMDA antagonists in a row. The only other category they list are kappa opioid agonists, and kappa opioid agonism probably – you guessed it – antagonize NMDA. If we take this result seriously, every substance we know of that causes dissociation is an NMDA antagonist in some way.

You dig me? Creamfields 2001 came into my head straight away – what else was in that E? That’s when the Deja-Vu started, interesting. We’re onto something here, more reading methinks… OK, read more information on disassociation and I started hitting words that I recognised; the likes of depersonalisation, derealisation and dysphoria. Hang on a second, what? Gender Dysphoria – Are you sure this link is speculative? Makes sense to me.

What tends to be the norm; is that NMDA Antagonists, at sub-anaesthetic doses cause the symptoms described above. The most famous NMDA Antagonist is Ketamine, a horse tranquiliser which is also known as the recreational drug ‘Special K’. Yeah OK, and? Well any drug worker will tell you that the most common mix of Ketamine is with Ecstacy, or E. See above.

Have I just explained my Deja-Vu, did it all come about after taking that tablet? Is it a symptom of Dysphoria? Well, possibly but there’s a problem. It should have subsided within a short space of time (maximum of two years, more likely six months). Oops, in the main it did; but mine carried on and still persists albeit VERY occasionally to this day.

So why did mine carry on? Did I miss something? Well yeah, I did. If you google NMDA, you’l come across the Wiki page for the NMDA Receptor (currently it lists just below the questions). Open up and read the page all the way down and you’ll hit this paragraph:

Cochlear NMDARs are the target of intense research to find pharmacological solutions to treat tinnitus. NMDARs are associated with a rare autoimmune disease, anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis, that usually occurs due to cross-reactivity of antibodies produced by the immune system against ectopic brain tissues, such as those found in teratoma. These are known as anti-glutamate receptor antibodies.

Hello! They told me it was Encephalitis and not Epilepsy in 2005! Are we going through another tenuous link of mine? Of course we are. But are you going to tell me there’s not something in this? Remember, it was 1976 when I had mine, and they didn’t have the technology they have today. Think.

I’m not done yet though, there’s one thing I’ve left out. And when you add it in, it all makes sense. Can you guess what it is? I’ve written about it before. Any Ideas?

Autism. Your awake then 🙂

Specifically the link between Trans Identity and Autism. Did I tell you I have Asperger Syndrome? I’m sure I did. Well, look; lets go back to that article on Slate Star Codex. You see, either I’m nuts or this article (and it’s counterparts) are answering a lot of questions. Right? OK, bear with me and go back to that article; the link is here if you missed it:

Why are Transgender People immune to optical illusions?

Oh, by the way, yes I was and in a way still am; immune to most optical illusions. It’s a problem that’s bugged me my whole life – Although I’ve noticed that it’s A LOT harder recently to see past them 🙂 Ask anyone who knows me… Right, off we go to part III of that article and we’ll do some more reading.

Read it yet? Because here’s the lightbulb moment for me:

So I wonder: is NMDA hypofunction related to transgender? That would explain the autism and schizophrenia connections. It would explain the hollow mask numbers. It would explain the dissociation. It would explain why estrogen helps the dissociation. And it would explain a lot of internal connections between all of these different conditions and factors.

And it explains the Encephalitis, fuck. It also gives an explanation to why my brother has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia after chronic, long-term Cannabis use. Could this be a genetic predisposition to NMDA Dysfunction? Who knows, but I’m off to have a chat with my GP!

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

---

 

P.S. – For the sceptics:

Read section IV of the same article.

Thank you xx

Hello gorgeous xx

How are you all this morning? I hope you are well and enjoying life; as always. 🙂 – Me? I’m OK, I’ll be fine; of that I am sure. Don’t worry about me, I can take care of myself; promise…

So I’m writing down what I’m currently feeling and what’s going through my head. That’s what this blog is all about isn’t it? Me, my journey through this minefield we call sexual development? Where do I sit on this sexual spectrum?

Well you know what’s going through my head right now, regarding it all – those questions are clear, “What am I?” – Am I male, am I female, am I both or am I somewhere in between? Where do I sit on the sexual / gender spectrum? – I don’t know the answer.

And I should because shouldn’t everyone?

OK, let me put it this way; boys are boys and they know they’re boys, right?. Just as girls are girls, with me? Good. Well as I’m finding out, that’s not strictly true. Here’s the thing; Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome can turn what is effectively a male foetus, into a girl – with a Vagina. And Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia can, in its rarest forms, turn a female foetus; into a boy, complete with Penis. Got you there, haven’t I? On top of that, there’s the previously mentioned SRY Gene mutation; probably responsible for C.A.H.

Now I use the terms ‘Male’ and ‘Female’, ‘Boy’ and ‘Girl’; loosely and using them indicates my lack of knowledge in this area, but I’m learning all the time. I have to. I’m on the gender spectrum somewhere as I wouldn’t be Trans if I wasn’t… Or would I? Well I’ll point to an earlier post to clear this up first, then I’ll move on.

Gender and Sex are different. Gender is presentation, Sex is biological. Gender on the outside, Sex on the inside. Gender is the clothes you wear, Sex (apart from how you feel about it) is your physical attributes and characteristics – Breasts, Penis, Vagina, etc.

And here’s my problem. (Does it always have to be about me? – Yes, it does, this is my blog; deal with it). Well the problem is I’ve always felt different, I’ve always known I’m different, but I’ve just never quite known ‘How’ I’m different. Never been able to work it out.

So in my quest to figure this shit out, I’ve come across many things, I’ve learnt an amazing amount of information; but I’ve never started to apply that properly to me. Only recently have sysrted to look at where I fit into this world and where I am on these sprectrums; now I know they exist. Well ok, the barriers are gone now; let’s have a look shall we?…

So there’s a BBC documentary, produced in 2011, called “Me, Myself and I”. The documentary focusses on intersex conditions, how they manifest themselves and how society has dealt with some of them. It introduces you to the idea that sex itself; is, in fact, a spectrum (Female at one end, Male at the other). That for the first seven weeks of our existence; we are ALL female. And that gender is a choice, and can be based on your sex, and is not always your choice to make – but it should be.

Watching the documentary made me cry, floods of tears- Tears of relief…

What the fuck?

Okay, so I’m throwing a long ball, and it’ll be a while before I know the answer, but things have bugged me throughout my life and they were passed off by people around me; as normal. When I was born, for example, everyone who saw me mistook me for a girl. My mum always said it. I’ve been brought up to think that happens, and it’s normal; there are perfectly normal males out there who were like that.

Then there’s the fact that I never developed a great deal of body hair; and that, when I was younger, I was told (by quite a lot of people) that I’d look much better as a girl – Never had a great deal of muscle mass, for example. Hmmm. Interesting point here.

Then finally, for me, there’s the fact that I couldn’t deal with male puberty. Androgens wreaking havoc on my body nearly killed me a number of times – I remember four separate suicide attempts, for example. When learning about Sex and my sexuaity, I was more comfortable with the female role (there’s a lot behind this but it’s incredibly disturbing and I’m not, and may never be, ready to release it publicly but if I must write something down; then yes I was poking things in places where it didn’t feel right at the time for them to go).

When you put that together, Gender Dysphoria is the right diagnosis. That much is obvious. But then when I look at my physical development, and pictures of me when I was a child, then was there something else going on that has been left undiagnosed?…

Again, I always knew I was different; and a lot of my family knew it, but I never knew how.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all doing today? As usual, I hope it’s all good and you’re all doing fine…

Don’t just say that now, if you’re having a bad day; then I’ve always got an ear to bend, all you need to do is ask. Ok. Good. As for me, this is going to be a difficut weekend. One I have to get through and one I need to be strong for. Tough is not the word I’d use, in all honesty.

Why? You ask… Well, it’s a bittersweet weekend (and next week, actually). Did you know it’s one year since my breakdown? No? Well it is. It was one year ago this weekend that the old me finally broke down and gave up the ghost. Bert’s last dying breaths were taken and it was after this weekend; last year, that I knew I couldnt carry on.

My memory and understanding of that August Bank Holiday Monday, in the UK, is still very vague. I remember leaving work on the Friday and buying alcohol; exactly what I cant remember, and I’ve been told by a friend that we went at it hard-style until the Sunday morning. By hard style; we are good friends and know each other very well – She has been one of my rocks of support as I’ve gone through my transition so far. So when we get together, grab the alcohol, etc. and fire up the XBox; we have a good night in. We both miss those nights…

But she clearly remembers going home early on the Sunday; which doesn’t explain how I woke up in the position I did 48 hours later – I definitely hit it very, very, hard.

What did I do in those missing 48 Hours? Where did I go? Who did I speak to? There is no record of those events. There was nothing on my phone to suggest I’d arranged to meet someone, and there were no (as I can recall) phone records or WhatsApp conversations to any new numbers. It’s all a bit strange.

But then I work in IT and have done for 30 years now. I’ve also been very good at hiding things; especially from myself, the full details of the rape being one example. So If I can do that, then obviously I can hide what happened on this weekend –  that would be fairly easy.

Also of note, is that I don’t feel bad about that weekend. There’s no negative feelings around it; not like the rape. I don’t get any gut wrenching feelings in the bottom of my stomach when I think about it. And I don’t want to burst out in tears or lash out in anger about it either. I’m quite happy about it; actually. All of this conspires to tell me that whatever I did and whoever I saw, I had fun and I enjoyed it all.

In contrast to all that though, this weekend I’m in pain; physical pain – it hurts like hell. Whats happening is that I’m having injection site reactions to the drugs I’m on. The drugs themselves are working brilliantly, finally and I can think clearly; very clearly. I definitely feel more feminine and happier than I did before. But again, there is sadness this week. It’s my mothers funeral on Tuesday and I have to go home for that – that hurts like hell as well.

It makes me wonder why I’m not able to remember the good stuff, and the bad is as clear as day in my head? How is that fair? Because actually, when I look back through my life, it is easier to remember the bad stuff than the good stuff – It seems to stand out more. But explaining why, beyond what I already know, is hard work.

I had an amazing ounselling session on Friday, we covered a lot of ground in a short space of time. It was also very enlightening for both me and my counsellor. I’m sure I taught her a lot about various things to do with my Psyche, and when I need to learn a subject, I always try to become VERY knowledgeable on it. But I also learnt something new about myself, something I’d wondered for a while and now; I’m sure – very sure of it. That is that I probably have PTSD and other co-morbid conditions close to it.

Symptoms that I display within my Psyche are very common in patients with PTSD, although some are a little diferent within me. Others less so, but still fall within the category of PTSD Symptoms. In any event, they happen, and in my usual lengthy style; I find them difficult to explain.

So does going down the direct route of PTSD and related co-morbids; answer the fundamental differences in who I am ,and why my transition is different to most others? I don’t know. But it does answer the question of why the short, sharp, shock method has worked so very well. I’m repeating a trauma that happened many years ago and trying to resolve my inner feelings about it.

Well I think I have done. I think that those boys, on a mental level, didn’t rape a man. They raped a woman. That’s what I saw myself as at the time. I saw a woman in the mirror but I was forced to live in a mans body. And I didn’t like it. And it was trauma that has kept me there for so long.

Now I need to find out why. I know what this has all done to me, and the type of person I am now. What do I do with this? Where do I go from here???…

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx