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The hardest thing I’ve ever had to write

Vikki Kinsella 6 Comments

Good Morning Gorgeous xx

Due to the recent change in UK Law, specifically the Online Safety Act, 2023 and the steps taken by OFCOM here in the UK regarding personal responsibility for online content that could be harmful to those under the age of 13. I have taken the decision to remove this post from my blog.

The post depicted an incident to which I was a victim, that happened in 1982. This incident changed my life forever, and I was never the same after it happened. The incident was brushed under the carpet by authorities and care-givers at that time, and only came to loight during 2018. The description of the incident was incredibly graphic, and aided me a great deal in my recovery. And has served it’s purpose admirably.

But I must ensure the safety of others and I cannot allow such an event to happen to anyone else. Therefore, such a graphic description of the event could be seen as harmful; when that was never the intention.

Rest assured, this decision was not taken lightly. And all applicable information was considered before action was taken. If you wish to see the original content, for research purposes, please contact me at vikki@feelingtrans.com with details of your request. And we can enter into a dialogue regarding you obtaining an original copy of the post.

Please, do stay safe and well all of you.

Much love,

Vikki x

Resistance to Change…

Vikki Kinsella Leave a comment

Evening Gorgeous…

Something in my head is resistant to change, yet change is clearly what must happen now. I cannot continue any longer on the road I have been travelling down and every single signpost in front of me is telling me that. There is a brick wall ahead of me, yet I dont want to turn back – I can’t. I cant even see the beginning of this tunnel anymore, only the end.

My dreams are incredibly vivid again, emotionally I’m 14 again, I’m back where I started. Back where all this started; scared and alone.

Yet I’m not alone. And I know I’m not alone but I don’t know how to break down this wall that’s infront of me. Although this time, I must.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Powerful emotions…

Vikki Kinsella Leave a comment

Morning gorgeous xx

How you all doing today? Good I hope. I can honestly say that since my last post; I haven’t been – far from it in fact, I’ve been very stupid. In fact, I’ve been making the kind of mistakes a 14 year old girl would make. Yet from the perspective of someone who is 46 years old.

That means I’ve been experiencing some VERY powerful emotions. The kind of emotions and feelings that are uncontrollable. The kind that make you do things you wouldn’t normally do.

Yes, those.

I’ve done something very stupid and I’ve scared quite a few people; including myself – Because I was that stupid. Stupid enough to do something that I said I’d never do again; and yet I did. Can’t do that again, can’t repeat the mistakes of the past; that’s what brought me here in the fisrt place and this was one very big, and very stupid mistake. One which a lot of people will shout at me for (and as I write this, of those that I have told; most have) – It is well deserved.

Basically though, I’ve blown my whole life apart and it’s about time I did. Things cannot continue in the direction they were going in. I believe I’m at a dead end.

I’m here as a result of some extremely powerful emotions inside my head, trying desperately to get out. They need tocome out, they’ve destroyed me more than once and I stubbornly refuse to put a lid on them anymore.

The next few weeks will be crucial.

Much Love,

 

Vikki

360 Degree Feedback…

Vikki Kinsella Leave a comment

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all this week? You good? Hope so… To be honest, I hope you all like reading ths blog, as much as I do writing it. It’s very therapeutic for me; as these are my raw thoughts, literally what’s going on inside my head, but it can be very difficult to write sometimes. It’s really difficult to organise my thoughts and get every thing down on paper.

For example, there’s been a few interesting developments since my last post, but do I write them all down in one post? Or write a separate post about each one? In the background I have eight unfinished posts and two full pages that I need to write, but I’m struggling with motivation – I’m procrastinating a lot. There’s a lot going on, there’s a lot to sort out – and I don’t even know where to start.

My usual advice to anyone in this situation woul be to start at the beginning, organise everything into a timeline and work from there. Sounds easy right? Problem is I can’t do it myself, something stops me every single time and I end up making excuses to myself; and everyone else. At the moment I’m holding my head in my hands and screaming ‘Why! Why me?!’. The reason, why do I have to be like this and why can’t I chamge? What stops me?

I know I can do this, I’ve done tougher before – I’ve survived an awful lot to get to where I am. I know I have to make this change and I am doing, It’ll be a year since I was diagnosed in September. Yet I’m still struggling.

I’m thinking to myself at the moment; ‘What am I struggling with?’. Is it my identity? Honestly, I don’t think so. Because when I manage to dress myself (it takes a while, lol) and go out the door, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Is it my appearance to the world? Partly, yes. But it’s not my problem; it’s how other people see me, and the difficulties of aligning that with how I feel. Or is it life? Again, partly. My organisational skills leave a lot to be desired, I procrastinate and there’s an absolute mountain of tasks to do and problems I need to face. On top of all of that, my mental health really doesn’t help and my attitude sucks towards it sometimes – I do wonder if I’m Bipolar or have ADHD alongside everything else.

But am I just avoiding the issue? My next few posts, which will explain the events of the past week, may go some way to explaining that – one event in particular will serve as a clue; I’m sure. I invite anyone who reads this to comment – and I mean anyone. 360 Feedback they call it, and I need some right now.

So, whether you’re reading this via Facebook, Twitter, The website direct or I gave you the link (there’s a problem with the domain wich I need to fix), leave a comment. Don’t be shy, it’s very important to me right now. And that includes negative feedback, I need everyone around me to be as honest as they can be. I need a kick up the backside, and I’m asking for one.

So to coin my usual phrase – JFDI, Just F*****g Do It. – Don’t be shy, leave a comment; it’s VERY important.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Job Hunting…

Vikki Kinsella 1 Comment

Morning gorgeous xx

How are you all this afternoon, hope it all good?

This post is pretty self explanatory today, because it’s all about trying to find a job… Yep, Job Hunting – That glorious task bestowed upon all us westerners at some point in our lifetime, usually after leaving full-time education (remember?). Now this is a diffucult task anyway in the current economic climate, but I’m specifically going to focus on the extreme difficulties faced in the current job marketplace by a Transitioning/Transgender jobseeker (And they are extreme sometimes) – Especially in the early stages when you don’t look that feminine. So, having just described my current situation perfectly, what made me write this post then? Well; you guessed it, Iv’e been interviewing for jobs. And the results are not that pretty.

Let me say one thing though. My style of writing suggests I may have an attitude – And I get why people would or wouldn’t think that, but I feel it’s there. It’s been said to my face, so we’re all cool. Today’s incident though; If I hadn’t have had an attitude, I wouldn’t have handled it. So, let me explain…

I’m finding it difficult to find a job in my current market place. There’s been more than one reason for that, and my past career doesn’t help. You see I’ve been around the block a little bit, in the industry I was in; but that’s purely because it’s been a fixated interest, and I didn’t want to let go. I have to say though; doing that, and knowing what I know now, really helps me undertsand that most people would have given up by now and moved onto something else – as I say time & time again, Autism Rocks. So; something I need to do, and something I’ve decided to do, is to start to apply for jobs outside of my comfort zone. ‘Do something different’, I thought, ‘Get out there find out what you can’. Good idea Vik, do it. And so not knowing what to apply for, you apply for anything and everythingthat comes up; somethings got ot come back? And low and behold, a job did. Mortgage Advisor. £34k. Local Interviews. Lovely, I’ll have some that. Read the email:

“You’ve been selected to come to this local hotel, on this day, at 9am; for our recruitment event. Not many people are selected for these events; and so you should be proud to have been selected to come to one of these days with our company”.

Knew it was a con, right there. But I’d obviously applied for this job, correct? Don’t remember doing so, didn’t want sales. But when I looked; I found it in my account history on the job board they said. It was a Mortgage Advisors role; job description looked mighty inviting. I must’ve done. OK, lets have a look into this. So I replied…

“Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come to visit your company. I’d be glad to attend your recruitment day”…

You get the drift, right?… Right.

Fast-forward to the day itself. Beautiful sunny day in the english countyside, nice morning for a drive. So I got to the event early, parks up and goes into the hotel. I know the place but I’ve never been in there. Weird building. Off to reception, signs in, gets pointed in the direction of the event – Nobody said a word. That is important, because the next thing that happened; changed everything.

Walks up to the room, two guys stood outside, both talking away. They stop talking, both look at me, one looks me up and down, and I reach them; hand extended. Two broken fingers remember, as well!? Didn’t quite catch what the first one said; but second one greeted me warmly, as did the first on his second sentence. I was then ushered into the room to join the few people that had already arrived.

My head had turned, but my ears hadn’t.

“Is that a Tranny?” – said one, quietly. “Yeah” – said the other with a giggle…

Oops.

I stopped walking and turned round; poking my head just out of the doorway. Enough so they could see me. The laughing stopped. I looked at them both, they looked at me and turned away. Right.

Nameplate went up, did everything as I was told, rail-roaded four guys for something they’d decided bilaterally during one of the assignments; don’t pull that one on me, and reached the end of the morning session. Lunch provided, nice. Went outside for a cigarette instead. (Yes I shouldn’t be smoking; it’s an Anti-Estrogenic, I’m quitting). Back in for the afternoon session – One on One interviews. Great.

And then the kicker…

“Ok, so a change of plan for this afternoon; and we are postponing the one-on-one interviews…”; said one of the ‘Trainers’ as they’d called themselves during the morning. Immediately followed by, “…But what we’d like to do, is we have a few issues with some of your CV’s. Can the following people stay behind, as we’d like to have a chat to you about the gaps in your CV?”

I see, like that is it? OK.

I’ll bet that you can guess there was nothing wrong with my CV; there was definitely no gaps? Can’t you? No shit Sherlock, you are right; there was NOTHING wrong with my CV. Ain’t that a blast?…

So me and two other people rose and left. Out of Nine, one left a half-hour before the end of the morning for personal reasons, and us three left at this point. Strangely, we were the one’s who weren’t part of the crew that I’d had a go at earlier – Bar one young woman. Who mentioned to me as I was leaving about there being nothing wrong with her CV. I said to not worry about it, I think she’ll be fine and off I goes.

Because of that, I’m the last one to leave and I’m chaparoned out of the door. So I shakes both guys hands, and steps out through the doorway. Then immediately turned around before it could close and said the following, in a loud enough voice to be heard…

“Don’t do that again. To me, or to anyone else. And if you must do, don’t let me find out about it, OK.”

The one who called me a Tranny was about to swing into action with his mouth, when he was stopped by the other one; “Don’t”, he said. “We couldn’t win against her if we tried. She’s completed the morning.”…

I wonder what he meant by that?…

This has happened to me before, and I know it’s happened to other Transgendered people in the job market-place. The Equalities Act 2010; gives Transgendered people rights within the work-place, but it falls short on the job market. That is because you don’t have to hire a Transgendered person if you don’t want to, you just can’t say that’s why you’re not hiring them. You need a different reason, hence the change of structure to the ‘recruitment’ day; half way through.

It was at that point I turned around and left. Still, another lesson learnt. More experience for me; although I expected it all to happen the way it did.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx