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Just… Wow.

Vikki Kinsella Leave a comment

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope. As you all know, that’s all I ever want to see; is everyone happy and enjoying life if they possibly can. The motto is; “If life throws you lemons, make lemonade”. And that is all too true. We are all here for a reason and we must live to find out what that reason is. so make that lemonade, and make it the best you’ve ever made. Then enjoy every minute of drinking it. THAT is what it is all about.

I suppose youre wondering why I’ve written that today? I wouldnt blame you. Well the reason behind it is also the reason why I’m compelled to write this post. I’m writing it for someone I know. Someone I now know very well. And someone, now I’ve found them, I don’t want to lose. For that person is Amazing, truly amazing and they’ve left me totally speechless. I don’t know what to say.  I don’t even know where to start. I just know that if I don’t capture this now, I’m afraid I’ll lose it forever – and I don’t ever want to do that.

When this person reads this post, and I hope they do, they’ll know it’s written for them. They’ll know why. And I hope they see this post for what it is – me capturing something I’ve never felt before, and something I’ve yet to learn how to explain. But in order to try, I must write it down. So write I will.

I’ll start with a story. A story which has never made sense to me until recently, but is very close to my heart. A story which, one day, I know will come true – very soon if my current feeling are correct. And I can’t wait for that to happen now, because I’d love it if the person that this post is intended for is part of that story. Because in our own, very similar way, we are both unique. And with the right guidance; hopefully from each other, we could do great things. I want that to happen, but time will reveal all.

Ok, so you know how I came to write this blog. If you’ve read everything from the beginning, you’ll know the kind of life I’ve had. How I came to be who I am today. You’ll know the trauma, the pain, and some of the laughs and the memories. And I’ll start with some of those memories; they’re very important. But they’re not memories I share often, and due to that, i can’t remember if I’ve shared them before. One word may jog your memory; however, and that word is Deja-Vu.

The feeling of having done something before but knowing full well you haven’t. The flashbacks, the memory’s and the dreams. The dreams from when I was a teenager which compelled me to move forward and have driven me to shape my life the way I have. The waiting for something exciting to happen, something that would change my life completely and allow me to be me, and live life to the fullest. We as we know, coming out as Trans; learning to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be, and living my life to the fullest and enjoying every minute of it, was that change. A change in perception and being able to see things for what they really are. THATS the difference and I’m not scared anymore.

So OK, what the hell. Why now? Why write this? I’ll tell you. I met someone recently, someone in a similar position to me, but further along. I found I liked that person, more than I realised but I could never explain why. I just knew I had to get to know that person; because they were significant somehow. I’m attracted to that person – a lot. And I want them around.

We have a similar outlook in life, similar backgrounds. We like similar things, there’s differences; of course there are. But I believe we’re similar enough to see those differences for what they are – differences. That’s it. The flip side though, is we are different enough to allow ourselves space, if we want it. I know I would if they wanted it and I’d back them to the hilt in anything they want to do; no matter how different it is for me – I’d be there and I think they’d be there for me. It’s that feeling, you know the one I mean. That one.

So where’s this some from? What’s blown your head off? OK. Today has been an interesting day. I’ve been for an interview for a job, and I hope I’ve passed round one. I don’t know, but we can hope. I went to see a friend after that. And we had an open heart discussion. I was as honest as I can be, I don’t want to lose this friend; or their family, as they mean a lot to me – they’ve helped me massively and shown me the way back to being the person I need to be. I value they’re support. I’ve let them down recently; with reason, but not reason enough to mean I wasn’t in the wrong and needed to apologise for some of the things I’ve done. And I do. I know they’ll read this – I hope they can see that I mean what I say.

Well I finally arrived home, phoned my mum to wish her happy birthday, and have a catch-up. Mother / Daughter chat. I miss my mum; but I’m glad she’s back in my life, it means a lot.

And then a certain person appeared, and we started chatting, a lot. I enjoyed the chat very much and I want to have more of those chats, I hope I can as we are so similar, yet so different; I just completely relaxed. So much so that I asked a question, a very forward question; which I wouldn’t normally have done. I would have avoided it, skirted around it but I didn’t want to. I wanted to know.

I didn’t think of the consequences, I didn’t want to. I just felt so comfortable in this persons company that I wanted to know more. And the converstaion stopped, abruptly.

IT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I’m serious, it did. Ten minutes of dead silence. Felt like hours. I’m filling up thinking about it. God why could I be so stupid?…

And then the answer came. And it fucking blew me away.

Literally blew me away.

I will not reveal the contents of that conversation to anyone, ever. Don’t even try to ask. I will take that conversation to my grave. I was amazed however, truly amazed. Yet scared. scared to death that I’ve alienated that personby asking the question I have. But they responded in exactly the same way I would, so why would I think that. Well I know what I’d do. And that’s why I’ve wrote this post; to tell them how I feel – altough I couldn’t move for half an hour afterwards; I was shell shocked.

Names are not important, that person knows who they are. And I hope that after reading this post; they know how I feel. And that I’ve never felt like this before.

Here’s to hoping I’m right, and the future is brighter for both of us. Because we bloody well deserve it.

Much love,

 

Vikki xx

People are People…

Vikki Kinsella Leave a comment

Morning All,

How are you all doing doing today? Hope you’re in a better place than I am.

You see; something is knocking me for six recently; and I can only guess, in the turmoil I call my life, what it is. It’s changing me, so it could be the Transition. It’s making me angry, so it could be some of the things that have happened – and there’s been a few. I want to hide, so it could be the pressure. And I want to run away, so it could; literally, be me. But either way, I don’t feel right and I’m finding it very difficult to tell the people around me what it is.

There’s two problems in trying to sort it out – and both are the reasons why I’m writing this now. The first, is there’s so many places I can start in trying to sort it out, I don’t know where to begin. And I mean that, I LITERALLY don’t know where to begin. There’s so much going around in my head it’s ridiculous. If I were to sit someone down and talk about it we would need a full day to get through it all, and thats before you start giving me solutions to the issues at hand.

The second, and this is going to upset a few people. Is I’m fed up with talking to people and not being listened to. Fed up with asking for help and not getting it when I need it, or getting the help that people think I need and not what I actually want, or ask for.

And when I say I’m fed up, I’m fucking fed up. There’s two posts on this blog that I’ve taken down for different reasons; mainly because they upset someone and they didn’t think they shouldn’t be up. So I listened, and I took them down. Well I’m sorry folks, this is my fucking blog; not yours and there’s only me and you that know why the fucking post is there. If it upsets you that I wrote it, and you can’t deal with that, is that really my fucking problem? I don’t think so.

Transitioning is hard. It’s very fucking hard. And I started this blog so people can understand how hard it actually is. What really goes on in the mind of someone who is transitioning. What emaotions you feel, what actions you take – and why. This blog is meant to be hard-hitting, it’s meant to deal with issues people don’t talk about. It’s supposed to get right to the core. And for me it does because it’s my safe place to write what I want to write. It’s my diary. These are my feelings. And it’s up to me if I want to put them in a public place or not.

This gutless wonder does actually have a pair of balls. She’s just spent most of her life trying to fucking hide them.

Now there’s a reason why I have had to hide them. And I was talking about that reason to someone this morning. And I think that person agreed with me, Although I am worried that they, and others, think I’m losing it. They could be right, but I think I’m finding it. I think I’m finding my voice, albeit a little indiscriminately at the moment.

It’s the indiscriminate part that people are pissed off at. Don’t blame you, who wouldn’t – this isn’t easy for me to go through, so there’s no way in hell it’s going to be easy for you to watch. It’s not meant to be easy to handle but I mean, christ, people think I’m going crazy. But then look at it from a Male perspective, Men who don’t understand think women are crazy, and vice-versa. Bioth sides of that are true aren’t they? Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus??…

Well hello folks, I’m right smack in the middle of the fucking two – welcome to my world.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Change… Again.

Vikki Kinsella Leave a comment

Morning gorgeous xx

Or afternoon, evening, night, whatever it may be where you are. I just hope you’re having fun and you’re enjoying life doing it. Because thats all that matters in the long run.

So, yet another post and yet another story from the effervescent life that is mine. When the hell is it all going to calm down and be peaceful & quiet? Knowing my luck and past history, probably never. I suspect I was put on this planet to write an entertaining story, and it’s looking like my life that is probably it. That sucks, but whatever.

Now I suppose you’re probably wondering where the attitude has come from this morning? Tell me that you’re not? I won’t believe you, I do have one hell of an attitude this morning. The question is, do I have a good reason?

Well the answer is yes, sort of. It was a bad day, yesterday and it wrought havoc with my head, and brought out some changes. Some necessary; some not so necessary.

Firstly, it was my son’s birthday, he turned five. I wasn’t there to see it though. As you know, I haven’t seen him since I transitioned; so it was hard, very hard. I was also told that he now calls someone else “daddy”; which, as any father will tell you is the most heart wrenching thing in the world to find out. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, why I’m doing it or what I’ll do in the future – Genetically, he is my son, I am his father, I was his dad the day he was born. That cannot be changed. When he first used the word daddy; he was referring to me. It was a heart wrenching moment for me. And to find out on his birthday, that I cannot be present for, stabbed me right through my heart.

But I must be strong. Because the true purpose of a dad; is to show your children that you can grow up to be whoever, and whatever you want to be. There should never be any limits on that. So when my son comes looking for me, that is what I must be able to show him, however hard that journey might be.

Secondly, I lost a friend. A good friend. A family of friends. It’s a situation I’m not happy about, but one I’m happy to accept. Which is very strange. They deserve some happiness, and it has come at the right time for them. But for me; it is bittersweet. As I was going through this pain, I needed help. And I chose them to help me, but they couldn’t. They couldn’t because what they needed to help them resolve a situation they were in came at the same moment I was in my deepest pain. I was hurt that they couldn’t help me; but I’m happy that they have received some good news, as they truly deserve the best in everything.

I’ve had to back away; as the pain of the last few days has been so great. Great enough for me to realise that I cannot destroy anyone else’s happiness because of it. Because how is that fair? It is not, and should never be. Sometimes life isn’t fair, and there are winners & losers in every situation. This time I was the loser and I must lose gracefully, for if I do not; it is not a loss, it is a travesty. I wish them all the best and I hope that one day we can enjoy success together again. But that day is not today.

Both of those events put me in a situation where I left myself open to abuse. And I nearly allowed it to happen. I was nearly abused by someone. I kept control however and allowed myself to be used; in order to learn something new. Which I did. The lesson was personal and I will not explain it here. But I am thankful for it, as without it I would be unable to move forward in my transition.

I know now who I am, I am sure of my personality, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. Hopefully, it is onward and upward from here on in. The future is not ours to see; but I hope it is a lot brighter than the recent past.

Time will tell.

Much love,

 

Vikki xx

Memories

Vikki Kinsella 3 Comments

Evening Gorgeous xx

Note the change? Well it is half eleven in the evening, realistically? Morning? OK. Wherever you are, Morning Gorgeous!, because somewhere on the planet it’s 8am; just not here. Not now, anyway.

So what brings you to write at this time of night then? I hear you cry. Well, as the title of the post says, ‘Memories’. Memories of days gone by, old memories, good memories. The kind of memories that are character building. The kind of memories you tell your children – And your grandchildren, when you have them. The kind of memories that bond families together and make each & everyone of us; unique.

And my memories that are at the forefront of my mind at the moment. The reason for that, is those memories give us strength of character. Those memories build our individual personalities. And those memories are the core of who we really are. Sex, Gender, Gender History, all that kind of thing – The things that this blog is setup for. Melt away in front of this type of memory; and I go back to being that little boy, sat on the sofa in my nan’s house, eating home-made Apple Crumble drenched in Carnation Evaporated Milk.

Thats the type of memory that makes you who you really are.

And that is my memory. Family all around in my nan’s living room (brother, sisters, uncles, cousins, etc), all fat from a Sunday Roast, eating Apple Crumble or Fruit Cocktal; covered in Birds-Eye Custard or Carnation Evap. All watching a film on the Television because we can’t move.

And I can take that back to being at least 4 years old. I can see the picture of me up on the wall, pride of place strangely – as it was the biggest one above the fireplace and I was told I was my Nan’s favourite. With my ginger, curly mop in my 1970’s horizontally striped; knitted jumper. Sitting above the two Smash spacemen from the UK advert; also from the 1970’s. TV in the corner to my right. My Nan and Grandad in their separate arm chairs to my left and we were on the floor with my Mum and Dad (Step-Dad, but he was more of a dad to me than my real one) behind us on the sofa.

The thing is though, I was the little boy in the middle. My Younger Sister to my right and my Older Brother to my Left. My older sister to my far right and cousins dotted around the room, And we were all happy, at least that’s how I remember it; and that’s how I’ll always remember it. We were happy.

I look back with a lot of fondness, as you can see and a lot of sadness. But I’m not sad about it for any negative reasons, I’m sad about it for positive ones. For reasons you may not expect (and yet you might, how do I know). You see, most of my parents and grandparents are gone; they’ve passed away and I miss then dearly. What’s left of my family shattered when my Grandad passed away five years ago – but there’s family left, so lets be optimistic and this is my memory, I’m cool with it.

I’m also sad because I was that little boy. I didn’t care back then. I was as carefree as any little boy could ever be. I now know I’m Autistic, so that probably explains the carefree attitude; as it does today. I know now I’m Trans and I must have wanted to be a little girl, rather than a little boy; which would explain why I felt closer to my sisters, rather than my brother. But I also now know that I’m happy, again; just like I was back then.

So what triggered this? Well that’s easy, I’ve sat here and eaten a really nice Apple Crumble; drenced in Carnation Evaporated Milk. My god I enjoyed it! And I’m going to do the other half before I go to bed. Anyone around going to stop me? I don’t see anyone, do you?

So other than nostalgia, why write this? Well that’s easy as well. I know who I am. I am Vikki. I am me. Just like I was back then, I was Bert. I was Me. The only difference is, I got what I want and no one can take that away from me – And no one will either. But here’s another thing. I hear a lot of talk about Trans people rejecting their past, rejecting their ‘Dead Name’, trying to be someone else, trying to forget who they were and become a new person. Lying to themselves about who they really are. Why do that? What are you trying to achieve?

And are you going to tell me that doesn’t happen? I vow any fucking one of you to come and argue with me on it? Bring it on…

Well I’m not going to do that. You see, Vikki was that little boy, Vikki is that little boy, Vikki was inside that little boy crying to get out. And she did. And I’m not going to change that little boy into a little girl just to satisfy anyone else. I’m going to leave everything exactly as it is.

You see, as the title of the song from the film ‘The Greatest Showman’ (and by the way, it’s a pride anthem) says… This is Me.

And this is me. Deal with it.

 

Vikki xx

Ideas…

Vikki Kinsella Leave a comment

Morning gorgeous xx

Having fun on this fine morning of ours? Hope So; life is for living, bloody well enjoy it!…

This is a quick post this Morning, it could easily be a lengthy one because there’s a very important story behind it. One which, when I tell people, I do wonder if they believe me or not. I wouldnt blame you if you didn’t – never, ever, ever would. It’s one of those stories that; when you hear it, you do think it’s complete fantasy and you do wonder if the person telling it is slightly deluded.

I really wouldn’t blame you for that.

But the thing, as far as that story is concerned, I leave the belief in your hands. Behind the scenes, in the back of my mind, I don’t give a damn whether you believe it or not. I know my side of it, and that’s all that matters to me. Nothing else, it’s a party story, more for your amusement. But it does give you an idea of what I’m capable of when I’m put in the right situation.

Now the reason I mention it here, is I believe another one of those situations has just occurred. And I also believe that I’ve just made the same mistake as well. And that hurts. It hurts because I didn’t learn the lessons from the last one. And you have no idea how much that sucks.

Should I go into detail about this one? Probably best that I don’t. I do know the parties involved have the ability to read this; hence why I’m writing this. Last time, that facility wasn’t available, so there’s no evidence. This time the world has changed and there is some; but not enough.

Also, this time, I’ve changed. And I cut that person out of my life as soon as I knew what was going on.

In addition, I’m not angry. I’m hurt, but I’m not angry. I wish the person every success with the idea they have. Because I truly believe it could change the world if it’s handled right and I’m obviously not the person to do it – just like the last time.

But neither of the two people whose ideas I helped create; will ever be able to remove the fact that I was involved from their own minds….

One has done very well already, the other, I wish you every success with it. My life is obviously going in a different direction. Best of luck to you.

Much love,

Vikki xx