Morning Gorgeous xx

Well, today has been an interesting day. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I actually finished something I started today. Autism does not always rock (hahaha).

As part of my journey, I knew that I had to square things up everybody that I’d wronged, that I care about. There are people that I used to know, that I loved and could never show it in the way that I wanted to (because I wasn’t who I wanted to be). These people could only assume that I was being nasty and causing pain for the sake of it when I did the things that I did – and that wasn’t true. I did what I did because I didn’t know any better and I had to do SOMETHING, anything to try to sort things out in my head.

I lost some good people, in amongst the toxic people that I didn’t want to know.

Well, those good people have a right to know, they have a right to know what has happened and why. The have a right to know that Vikki has been hiding inside Bert’s head, waiting for the opportunity to shed his shell – And to come to the fore and talk to them. Tell them how she was feeling, and why things happened. Tell them that Bert slowly dying a messy death over several years…

And do you know what. She fucking did it. She did, and she did it in style. In a style only Vikki knows how – elegant, painless and perfectionist. She has got what it takes, she can do what she needs to do and she can handle the stuations that are put in front of her. When your old best friend (of over 30 years) tells you he should’ve punched your lights out but didn’t; what choice do you have? Do you agree or disagree?? Well, If you couldn’t take a side in an argument and have the guts to deal with it, they were right and you agree with them. Simple.

Well guess what – That’s what happened to me.

You do get sick of being in the middle of an argument between people that you love though. And that happened to me all the time. It was a fecking good idea for me to move away, people I loved arguing with each other and asking me to mediate was just wrong. It shouldn’t have happened. Did they REALLY care about me? Honest answer is I don’t know and I don’t care anymore – it’s all water under the bridge. But the thing is, without those issue’s; what did learn from all the experiences I had?

I’ll tell you.

I learnt when to stop. When to back away. When to turn around and say; “fuck you” – That’s not my fight, that’s yours. And I’ll speak to you all separately; just not together, and in the same room. SEP… Somebody Else’s Problem.

I Want to Cry. I should Cry and i@m going to in the next 5 minutes but, these tears are real…..

*** To all the people I’ve ever hurt, I love you all; and I’m sorry – I did it because I didn’t know any better. ***

Lots of Love xx

 

Vikki xx

 

 

Morning Gorgeous xx

I’m going to keep this post really short. The reason for that is I don’t know what to say to this – I just don’t. I woke up this morning, I started to get dressed and I noticed something. I noticed a change, in my face. Only a slight change, but enough to make a difference. People whove known me a long time should see it straight away, those that don’t – this is here for your entertainment.

But the upshot is, I wanted to do what I see a lot of Trans people doing, I wanted to give you a before and after. I want you to see who Bert was, and who Vikki is. Then I’m going to let you make up your own mind whether I’m on the right path or not…

Here’s Bert:

There’s no makeup on there, just a bit of BB cream to hide the blemishes.

And here’s Vikki:

These pictures were taken an hour apart. So I’m going to leave it right there. Answers on a postcard…

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Or is it?…

Actually it’s 1am, on a school night. I should not be writing this as I should be asleep – but I’m not. I can’t sleep, that’s why I’m writing this. I write when I need to, when I HAVE to, and when I want to.  And all three of those points is right now. I should control my timings more, but the creative process doesnt work like that – it comes out when it comes out, and there’s bugger all I can do about it .

Now is one of those times.

(And Boss… I know you’re reading this fella; these things happen – Chill, this is a welcome to my world moment)

Back to the situation at hand: It’s 1am, I can’t sleep. I’ve had a glass of Vodka (and another one is presently in front of me – this is only my second), and I’m happy – it’s like being on a night out but I never actually walked through my front door.

It could be false happiness – because it could be Vodka that’s making me feel like this? (No, I’m not convinced as I was like this before I cracked the bottle). First day back at work? Yeah it went OK, but it’s work – although I hate being bored, and I was busy enough. General uplifting feeling as things are starting to change for the better? Maybe?

In all honesty, it could be anything that’s giving me this feeling at the moment. And given the week I’ve had – who knows. What I do know is this, for this short period of time; I feel OK – I feel normal, like a normal human being. And that’s rare, almost never happens; rare. But it’s a good rare, one that I like rare. One that I’ll maybe even keep rare – you can’t live like this every day. Life is about balancing the good and the bad, this is good (I know there’s people out there who will say it isn’t). But the reason it’s good; is because I rarely have this kind of feeling – and I’ve NEVER been able to write about it before…

** Update at 8:30am, something struck me; and I think I know what it is. But I’m keeping it private for now. **

So picture this – I’m on my settee, laptop on my lap, Vodka, Phone, Xbox playing Deezer (Camila Cabello, Crying in the Club – tuuune!) and random friends on my phone who want to talk, and so they do – with some random conversations (tell you another time, when I can get the text out). So should I be in bed? Yes. Should I be asleep, Yes. Should I be counting Sheep? Yes. And I will be soon, I’m sure there are people out there who will have something to say about me being awake at 1am on a school night. But now is not the time for that. Now is about recovery, rebuilding, and renewing. Rebuilding lost relationships with family and old friends, recovery from some of the pain of the last few months, and starting afresh with new people, new places and new things.

But above all, just once in a while, now is about having some fun.

Life is 10 times more difficult if you don’t enjoy yourself – and I wanted to let you guys in on the bits of me that people haven’t seen yet – The fun side, the side that enjoys life, some people call it the real me. I call it the bit of Vikki that’s been crying to get out for years. She’s the side that dances in heels in my living room at midnight, wearing a black pencil dress and 4 inch stiletto’s. She’s the side that gives me my sense of humour and takes the biscuit out of anything that’s funny (don’t be on the receiving end). She’s the side that, in all honesty, gives me my womanhood.

And without her – I am lost….

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Hope you are all well today – if you’ve read the last post; you’ll know I’m not. But I’m getting there.  Grief is a process and it’s different for everyone. There’s no hard and fast rules on what to do to get through it, you just have to deal with it in your own way.

Well I’m glad I’ve got this blog as it helps me deal with it. It helps me to clear my head. And in all honesty, it can be a mess in there – it is most days. I need a whole lifetime of psychotherapy just to get out of bed some mornings, and today is one of those mornings. I mean, the last two posts were written in the wrong order and they sat there for 4 days. I wrote the first one (“Oh My God, What a Mess…”) ten minutes ago. As I had to close the other one down in order to move on to this.

You see life is a mess for me. I have the necessary skills to make it real easy, I know what I need to do to make my life a success – and it can be a big success as well. But I can’t use them, I can’t make it work, it’s like I have a physical illness that stops my hands from working. I just can’t do what I need to do – or if I do, I never finish the job.

This is not a physical illness though, If you look at me (And I’m going to post some pictures soon, so you can see), you wouldn’t think anything was wrong – In fact, there’s one picture where I literally look the the most confident woman you’ll ever meet. But look at the expression on my face. No I’m Not.

I have such a hard time getting that across to people and for 44 years of my life I never knew why. I do know though, I honestly think I do, what I’ve learned in the last two years explains so, so much about who I am, what I am. It also, looking back, explains WHY I did some of the things I did. I can never excuse them, and I don’t believe they were that bad. But they were just stupid. Stupid, stupid mistakes. Forgetful. Never finishing what you started and then trying to justify why, and coming up with wrong reasons. Not being able to ask for help, as you don’t know what help you need. Not being able to control your mouth, as the gear linkage doesn’t work in the same way as everyone else.

Well that’s Autism, that’s Asperger Syndrome, thats ME.

When I called my mother on Wednesday, it was for two reasons. One, it was about time to apologise for my lack of control – I know why now. And two, was finally tell her I knew why. I didn’t know how it was going to go down, I didn’t even know if she would accept the phone call; but I’m glad she did. It gave me that chance to speak to her, to explain to her. I say her, as I can’t say the same about my dad. He’s not here anymore (I’ve just said that to myself four times as i still can’t believe it) and stops me dead in my tracks every single time.

I mean, how do you recover from this. What I’m going through at the moment IS the most difficult thing anyone can ever go through, it’s LIFE CHANGING – life will never be the same again for me, the world will never see me the same again, and I’ll never be treated the same by anyone ever again. So in order affect that change correctly, I’ve had to go back through my life and explain to people WHY I treated them the way I did. And, if they’ll take it (and not all will), try to apologise – I’m sorry folks, I fucked up.

Some of those bags are bigger than others, some you care about, some you don’t. But you at least have to try (I’ve just thought of another one I need to do). You won’t make it through without trying, you cannot carry all that baggage forward into that new life – as it WILL fuck you up. To use an anaology, it won’t fit in the baggage hold of the plane, not even a AN-225 and them fuckers are BIG!. You leave it behind, you sort what you can and you leave the rest behind. THAT’s what you do.

And that’s what I have to do now. There are things and people for my past that I’m going to take with me, or try to take with me – I may not be able to take what I would like. And there are other things and people that I’ll leave behind, or HAVE to leave behind because they can’t come with me. If it’s left behind though, it has to be sorted to both sides satisfaction, it CAN NEVER resurface, it is gone for good.

That’s the problem I have right now, insanely that’s the problem I have with my family right now.

They can see this, and I hope that last paragraph doesn’t come as a surprise – it’s the reason why I came back. I’ve told them this though, I’m not hiding anything now; I can’t. I can’t make the same mistakes as I have in the past, I have to sort the problems out -those problems that I can sort. My family dynamic isn’t the same anymore – it’s a hell of a lot smaller as they’ve rejected their baggage and the toxic people. So I don’t have as much to work with as what I used to, yet that could be a good thing.

The honest answer is that I just don’t know how this is going to go. It’s going to need time, patience, and a lot of understanding on both sides. And if the truth be told, it’s Que Sera – What ever will be will be. This future is DEFINITELY not ours to see.

Much love to you all,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

** OK Guys, it will be helpful to know that I wrote this post 4 days before I published it. Reading it back some things don’t make sense, but once you’ve read it; I hope you can appreciate why – Much Love, Vik x **

Well it is with a very heavy heart that I write today. This last week has been absolutley crazy. If I’m honest, I do not know what to do for the best; I just know I have to do SOMETHING.

So I’m turning to what I know helps, being creative.

I mean, my last post was short; not intentionally short. I just didn’t have a lot to say. Life was busy, I didn’t have a lot of time, I had a lot to concentrate on. I used to call it hell; and in a way it was. It was a build up, tension was mounting, I was thinking about a lot of things, trying to re-organise things, generally turning the pressure up to see what I could cope with.  Fair do’s you need to know.

I mean, money was a pain in the backside. I’d had a lot to pay out, I’m in debt up to my eyeballs thanks to the ex, I NEED certain treatments that are expensive in order to move forward – and I can’t do everything at once, no matter how hard I try. There are things I can do to help; slow things down, put up with a bit of pain – you can’t do this quickly on your own and definitely not on your own if you’re in debt, no matter how you got there.

But even I never expected this. What has happened this week has knocked me right on my backside – and I am struggling. Getting straight to the point – IT HURTS.

Ok, so I knew I was going to find it difficult to get through this month. I’d been forced to pay out for things that I didn’t want to pay out for just yet. Money was, and is at the time of writing this, non existant. And I admit, I was banging my head against a brick wall. But now, I don’t give a shit.

Money has been my primary concern, that woman taking me for all that money clearly threw me into situations I never thought possible. And it’s due to that, that were today. But the last week has seen a paradigm shift in what concerns me. And it’s taken every single ounce of guts that i’ve got not to insane.

It started through the money, I took a week off work to sort everything out. I had it all planned out and I started to execute it perfectly. By the Tuesday, when I had a counselling appointment, I knew where I was at and lists of tasks were ready to go. But then Tuesday night, as planned, I went with some friends to see a play. It was an LGBTQ play about a man coming to terms with being Gay in the world of Boxing. It sounded straightforward enough and it was a really good play, believe its been nominated for a few awards – it deserves them, it is that good.

FYI, the play is called Gypsy Queen and has been written by a guy called Rob Ward. If you can get to see it while it’s on tour – do.

But the play itself brought some very strong feelings to the surface which I haven’t dealt with. I thought I had, but I haven’t. And I don’t think I’m complete this transition until I do. I’ve already discussed these feelings with counsellors in previous sessions and they’d said I needed to deal with them, they’d also made suggestions of how; based on certain that situations that may or may not happen. Either way, if you don’t do it and you end up in that situation, you know what to expect.

Well fuck me, I did not expect to end up in that EXACT situation. Was the damn counsellor psychic??? She must have been…

So What situation are we talking about, and why the heavy heart? Why the sadness?? What’s wrong Vik???

Watching the play got me thinking. Got me thinking about family. The play had links, and I believe was set in (might be wrong, don’t shoot me Rob) Liverpool in the 1980’s – certainly one of the characters was the original scouse ma’ as they say, a definite comical rendition. All seeing, all knowing, with a very thick skin but a big softie underneath. Well she reminded me of my mother – and the situation of being LGBTQ, and having to hide it for whatever reason, struck a massive chord. You see ultimately, I left Liverpool because I couldn’t handle being LGBTQ in that area of the country – it is very slow to change up there and they don’t suffer fools gladly. In addition, my viewpoint was warped to start with; as you already know from previous posts. So I decided it was time to get back in touch and clear the decks – everyone deserves an apology at some stage, don’t EVER let an argument settle without cleaning it up first.

And there needed to be apologies, in my view on both sides. But someone’s got to take the initiative and start the conversation, and it was going to have to be me. So I did, I sent a message and waited for a response…

It wasn’t long before I got one. I came from my Auntie, she wanted to know who it was that was contacting her using a profile from someone she knew who disappeared. SO I just said to work it out, which she very quickly did. Then came the bombshell. That was the moment my world fell apart. 7pm on Wednesday, right smack in the middle of the week. I’d lost my dad…

I was done.

It fucking hurts writing this, and I’m in tears again; I have been for two days now. But there’s more to this than meets the eye; you see I pushed my parent’s away five years ago as I was forced to choose between them and my unborn son. I was put in a situation where I had one on one side, another on another and I’m in the middle having the question fired at me – Can you believe each side is saying this, and what are you going to do about it? Well which one do you choose? Your family, or your son? I chose my Son, I didn’t feel like there was a choice, I thought; with enough time that I could repair the damage I’d done. But it was going to take time – I’d have to fix myself first.

Over time I had to cement that decision, and circumstances during that year kind of forced me down that path. Once the choice was made there was no going back, it was done. And the party involved very quickly dragged me off in the corner I’d chosen and that was that. It was a battle and they’d won. I didn’t see it that way, but they obviously did. The result is that I haven’t seen anyone from my family since, and my name was dirt, my mother made sure of that. Just like I knew she would. But I’ll never see my dad again.

So I had to ring my mum. I had no idea what reception I was going to get, but I had to make that call. I may be looking to have my balls chopped off and put in my handbag, but I definitely needed them swinging on that night. And I made sure they were, and I made that call. The news was correct. Mum had lost her right arm. At which point came the second shock, it was nearly a year before. No one told me.

Well, I have to say, I can’t finish writing this post. I’ve tried for 3 days and there’s so many other thoughts going around in my head it’s ridiculous – I have a whole other post to write on them and I need to do so. That news has literally been an Atomic Bomb under my feet, an Atomic Bomb with two blasts, the first knowing my Dad is dead and the second, knowing I’ll never get to say the things that I needed to say. I never thought things like this were real, or that they ever happened to me; but they damn well are.

I’m going write the next post, as that’s a whole different ball game.

I miss you Dad,

 

Vikki xx