Afternoon gorgeous XX

How are you all today? I hope you are all well and enjoying the unseasonably good weather we are having here in the UK – Long may it last 🙂 …

So, anyway, let me apologise first of all for being a little quiet recently. Work commitments took a great deal of my time between the end of October and early February. Assisted by the fact that the money coming in; was used to help resolve some difficulties I was facing at that time.

I’m in a much better place now, even though I’m not working again (contracts can end at any time, for any reason – and we will leave that there). I see things very much clearer now, and I’ve noticed a significant amount of minor changes which, although unimportant in themselves, add up to quite a shift in my thinking. Particularly if you apply that to the male to female spectrum.

Yes, I think much more like a woman now. Without realising those changes had taken place. Interesting stuff, but will require a few more posts over the next few weeks; in order to define exactly what I’m talking about.

But still, there’s a reason for this post and its title. A reason which, although was presented to me in many different forms, I couldn’t see until very recently. And that is just exactly how far I’ve come and how far I’m prepared to go, in order to win this personal battle with myself

You see, I haven’t had any psychiatric help throughout my transition. I haven’t really had the help of my family (although they are aware) and my friends, until recently, didn’t know how to help me (although I love them more than ever for trying, and the invaluable advice they’ve given me). But every single decision, every single action and every single change that needed to be faced and made, I made alone.

I read various advice columns & sites on the internet and almost all of them say the same thing – it’s impossible to go through transition alone. And I agree, it’s bloody difficult but not impossible. Not if you have some form of support network, someone you can talk to – even about the most trivial of matters. They don’t need to be a qualified mental health professional, they don’t need a doctorate in Psychology / Psychiatry – They just need to be prepared to listen and empathize.

Let’s be honest here; they can’t understand, they’re not going through it and likely never will, but we are all human. We all need to talk to someone at some point in our lives, in order to help us gain a different perspective on an issue that we must face.

Now by no means am I desensitizing or downgrading any part of the process; that a Trans individual must face – I myself have had such a hard battle to even work out that I was Trans, let alone go through the Transition itself. But, as I said previously, this is very much a personal battle of mine, a battle with myself in order to come to terms with the truth regarding who I am and what I want, from life.

I just hope that you, the reader, whoever you may be, are able to understand that.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Hello everybody,

How are you all? I hope you are well and life is being kind to you, as it has been to me recently.

First of all, let me apologise for the lack of posts in recent months. December is traditionally a difficult time for me; I have the anniversaries of a number of people whom I have lost, across that month. It’s always difficult. January? Not sure what happened there, I can only blame it on the work I was doing – Yes, I had found a job; well a contract but a very well paid one nonetheless. And doing that work; even though it ended abruptly and I’m unhappy with the way it ended, has boosted my confidence massively – I feel human again.

So what else has been happening in the interim? Not much really, well nothing external anyway. If you were on the outside looking in, I don’t believe you’d think that too much has changed, because it hasn’t. I got a job, woo-hoo! Go me! I changed my hairstyle, wow! I got new glasses, super-cool. But no, they’re only the external validations that I am now a woman, the internal changes over the last few months… Well… That’s another story entirely.

Seriously, I look back and compare me now; to me then, and I see two different people. I had confidence on the outside back then, but no confidence from within (it was there, i just didn’t use it). Whereas now, yeah, i’m even more feminine now than I ever was and proud of it. Another example, I’ve quit smoking. I only smoke socially now; when certain situations take place, but they’re few and far between. I’m at home a lot more often than I used to be and don’t drink anywhere near what I used to (I don’t need to) – I still like a drink though and will happily get plastered at parties, hell why not? It’s just that they don’t happen like they used to and I think & control myself more than I ever before.

My thoughts are clearer and I can remember more about what I’m doing now – My short-term memory has improved significantly. Out of that came a desire to clean & tidy myself and my environment. My flat looks fabulous and feels like home, I also feel much more settled there now. I’ve also changed my appearance, as mentioned previously, to a much more softer; feminine look, and It’s been noticed, let me put it that way! See for yourself…

I love it, what do you guys think? Answers on a postcard, lol

Anyway, it’s late and I need some sleep; a woman’s work is never done and I have lots to do. I’ll check back in over the next few days and fill out the events of recent times; but for now, I bid you all goodnight and wish you the sweetest of dreams…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Afternoon gorgeous XX

Hope you’re all OK. If not, I hope it gets better soon.

This is just a quick post as now that the worst of my transition looks like it’s over, I’m starting to notice things. Life is very different now and I’ve just had another reminder that I’ve lost my male privilege.

It doesn’t hurt anymore but it feels kinda weird. I suppose it’s just going to take time to adjust. I’ll get there though, I’m not scared anymore; just worried about the impacts of all the massive change.

Being on the other side of the male /female barrier and seeing life from a new perspective is a whole new world for me. I’ll get used to it though. This is how it should have been in the beginning.

Finally.

Much love

Vikki xx

Evening gorgeous XX

How are you all today? I hope you’re all good and you’re having fun. That’s all I ever wanted out of life and in the main, that’s what I’ve finally got. So I do hope that, one day, your dreams come true for you too. As I feel they’re starting to for me.

However (and, I hear you cry, “there’s always a negative!”) – there is a negative. A negative I’ve known but never really seen before. A negative that has existed for many years but has been hiding, masquerading as something else, cloaked behind a veil.

I will not comment here on what this is; because, for me, it’s the end of one journey and the beginning of another. It’s the reason I started this blog, to work out who I am and what was wrong, and I’ve done both now. Now I know the truth. The truth about myself and the truth of who I am.

I’m going to resolve this. As it’s the reason for my ongoing depression. And it’s also baggage from the old that I can never take into the new. This issue has no place in the new life I am building for myself, yet it was a part of the old that, in a way, made sense for it to be there. It fitted in, and was excuseable. Passable, almost; as it could be passed off as something else.

It’s exposed itself because; in my new life, it is so completely out of character it is almost, bar a few legitimate exceptions, unbelievable.

But it’s true. It’s true because I am one of those exceptions – I haven’t dealt with it.

Well now I must. I have no choice. I must confront myself and deal with this issue. Alone, somewhat. As I have some really good friends but I’m not sure if they’d understand. I may be wrong, but they certainly can’t help me, beyond being there when I need them – which they already do.

Once I’ve started to work on this one, final, issue. This blog, and its counterpart, will go quiet – for a very long time. It’s going to take a while to resolve this, and I can’t write about it; So I wont. However, once I resolve this, my transition will be complete and everything after that will be a formality.

This is the point I’ve been trying to get to all my life.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous, how are you all today? Good, I hope. If not, I do pray things get better for you soon – Sending my love.

So, as you can see, the title of this post is pretty self explanatory. It pretty much nails what my problem has been recently. And I’m glad I’ve worked it out, as I truly believe it’s been a thorn in my side for many, many years. So much so that It’s been mpossible to deal with until now, as its been buried very, very deeply.

Well, let’s go back and take a look at a few things, and see if I can’t put this into perspective. As maybe then, I’ll be able to find a way of dealing with it going forward.

I was loved as a child by my family, there is no doubt about that from everything that they say. I was loved by my mum, similar reason for knowing this. But my mum wasn’t very affectionate. She wasn’t a mumsy mum – She had her own problems to deal with, and, at times, they came first. As can happen, so don’t be angered by the situation.

As you know, I was ill. I had problems, things weren’t right (I wouldn’t be here if they were, lol). So I was sort of Molly Cottled, protected more than the others as the risks of harm were apparently higher. But that didn’t stop things happening, in fact it probably made things worse – see previous posts, it’s all in there. And they did happen; quite frequently in fact.

The problem came when you needed to be reassured that things were going to be OK. That you would get through this and come out of the other side intact. That if you put the effort in, your dreams can come true – As I’ve just found out.

Because you didn’t gain those reassurances in early childhood, and you were left to work it out for yourself, or you were even told something completely different in order to mask the problem and make it go away. You don’t trust those reassurances in later life. You can’t handle someone giving you praise. And you don’t know how to react when something good happens in your life.

Well that’s the situation I now find myself in. And I can’t handle it.

The fallback is to go looking for affection wherever you can find it. Looking for that spark that makes you think things will be OK – even if they’re not going to be. Looking for something you can’t find or doesn’t exist.

(Anybody who knows me will, right now, probably be sat there with an open mouth in disbelief that I am able to see this and admit it to myself.)

But that’s what it is – That’s my problem. Probably always has been. And it hasn’t been helped by my Autism creating barriers that don’t exist.

Well I need to work out a solution, I need this deal with this permanently. And there might be an opportunity to do so coming up soon – it’s early days. But either way, like I always do, once I know what a problem is, I’ll always try and fix it if I can.

Much love to you all,

Vikki xx