Morning gorgeous xx

I hope anyone who reads this is OK and that they are staying safe and well. For those that can’t,or are not, things do change. For wherever its worth, have faith that they do.

Tonight has been pivotal in my transition. It’s not often someone can break through the hard outer shell I’ve built up over the years. It’s not often I will let see someone see inside. It is also not often, and this is a hard thing to admit, that I’ll allow someone to show me the truth. I don’t always want to see it.

But it has to happen sometimes. We all have our own lives, our own realities, feelings, friends, futures and pasts. We all have our ways of doing things, ways of thinking, ways of being.

What matters though is how we portray ourselves and whether that portrayal is true to who we are.

Tonight. I faced the reality that a big part of who I have become and how I portray myself, has been wrong. And it’s not true to who I am. I faced the truth that some things that both I, and other people, are portraying are not what they seem. Not only that, but that those things may, in fact, be hostile when they’re portrayed as friendly.

For me, I faced the fact the are things that I’m doing and saying, that need to change.

When I first went through my transition, I went through it virtually alone. Yes, I had friends who I could talk to, but they said themselves that they couldn’t understand what I was going through. They also didn’t know who I was, only who I was becoming. Now, I’m not alone. I’m around people who can not only see who I’m becoming, but who I was. And those same people understand what I’m going through.

The problem I’ve been presented with tonight, is that they don’t see the two as being too different, and they don’t understand why I’m going through this. And the feedback from people around them has backed that up. They’re saying, with good reason, that I’ve changed on the outside but not on the inside. All I can say is, I have changed on the inside, please trust me on that. But it would appear I haven’t changed on the outside.

In my defence, for what it’s worth, I’m finding it incredibly hard to stabilise some massive changes changes in the face of yet more massive disruption to my life. What I thought I had, what I thought I knew, has gone. Because of that, it doesn’t look like I’ve changed on the outside; as I’m falling back on outdated ways of doing things in order to cope with the disruption. I don’t know any other way.

I was wrong to do that. And it’s proved destructive, not just for me, but those close to me.

I’ve got to change.

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

Hope you’re all staying safe, well and indoors during this viral outbreak of epic proportions. And those that can’t, that the world needs to fight this, I salute you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you all for your hard work in the face of this virulent, deadly, threat against humanity and our society.

Now. I’m gonna keep this post short and to the point – Because that’s how this post needs to be written. There is no other way of me writing this, not this deep inside my head. This, directness, should also give you some indication (for those that know me) of how important this issue is to me – This is cutting the tree down at its roots.

Let me ask you a question? What is reality? What do you understand it to be? Don’t think too long about that one, I’m not here to discuss Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity, I could… But I just can’t be arsed, simple. But I need you to get that concept in your mind. Because my next sentence has me called crazy. But it’s simple – Reality is different for everyone. Stop. Don’t think. Listen. Yes it is.

You see, your reality and my reality are different in part; not because of the physical world around us, what we see, feel, taste, smell and hear. But because of how we perceive it. How we process, store and use that sensory information to construct an image of the world around us.

And how we act, on what we know.

The important part is the last part, and why it’s separate from the rest. Because our actions ultimately dictate how our reality changes over time. What we do, has a direct impact on how we think.

OK, why the philosophy lesson at five o’clock in the morning? I’ll tell you. It’s simple. My reality changed last night. A very core and integral part of how I perceive reality was removed, permanently. There is no going back from this. This is permanent proof for anyone who’s known me, for any length of time, that I’ve changed.

And it’s a simple one. I fell out with someone last night who I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, thought I’d fall out with. And I cannot undo what was done. And I cannot let them go back on what was said. They can’t take these words back. Because that person, and their family, have been at the core of my thinking for nearly thirty years. And they are one of the few people who I thought would never hurt me. And they did.

There’s no going back – Not if I want to keep it real.

This is what transition is all about. Facing your reality, changing your perception of it, and dealing the mess that’s left behind when you do. How many people out there can tell me that’s not the hardest thing they’ve ever had to do? If they’ve ever had to do it all…

Answers, as always, on a postcard.

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

I hope and pray that anyone who reads this is safe and well at a time of global pandemic and fear. It’s not nice, it’s not a very good place for the world at large to be and many people are suffering, both visibly and invisibly as we all try to come to terms with a new way of life, forced upon us by an invisible enemy; which, as yet, we have no way to defeat.

Special thanks, praise and tributes go out to all those on the front line of the fight against this invisble killer. Here in the UK that means front line NHS staff and volunteers who, if we were to parallel this with World War One, would be in Belgium & Luxembourg. Deep in the trenches and embedded on the front line of the war, with lives being lost all around them. Those lives taken by a silent killer they cannot see. Worldwide and in the UK that tribute must also include transport workers, retail and food distribution workers, security staff and care workers… Along with the absolute army of invisble staff that flank those defences and keep the country, and the world, moving – This includes those administrative and clerical workers that you don’t see or hear about, be they working from home, or forced to work from an office. Without them all, what we see as a worldwide pandemic, could easily turn into a crisis capable of threatening us all, along with an extremely hefty loss of life.

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But I think we all deserve to give ourselves some praise in these difficult times. Because the ever turning wheel of fortune, and life, is relentless. And will continue to turn even after we as a human race are gone. We have only been in existence a short period of time, yet so much has happened. We as a species have been so resilient to what has been placed before us, that it so is easy to forget that we are all individuals; especially when the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

As individuals we all have own battles we must fight, every day, in order to survive. We all have our own thoughts, feelings and fears; our unique perspective on the whole and what parts of that world work for us and what works against us. A simple example of this, is Maslows Heirarchy of Needs – The Pyramid which shows the building blocks of self actualisation. What that is and how it works is beyond the scope of this post but, If two people were to change each building block. And rename that block to what they needed to fulfill the set critera and finish building it within the confines of the Pyramid, both Pyramids would look very different – As no two people are the same.

To fight this invisble enemy, and win, we need great leaders. We must model what parts of our personality are appropriate, on those leaders and follow their example & heed their guidance – Where they go, we must follow. But we must also remember that they are indeed human too, and are as likely to make as mistake as both you and I. None of us are infallible. What we must all understand is that we learn from our mistakes, as a human race we would not be here if we didn’t, or couldn’t – It’s an evolutionary prime directive. Secondary to that, we must also understand that the punishment for a mistake must fit the crime. And we dont always have to dish out a punishment to those that have hurt us; it may not be our right to do so. To close this point off, a leader is a leader, and some of us are not leaders by choice. Some are born leaders but are not prepared for the challenges they must face during their leadership. Some are thrust into the position without ever knowing that it was their destiny. And yet others, those chosen few, are in the right place, at the right time, and they are the right person do the job – I’m behind Boris, even though he is not infallible.

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That is not all the reasons why I write today, however. As not only do I see current circumstance on a global level, or a national level, but I also see this on a personal level. Those readers who have kept up with this blog will have noticed a very large gap, with very infequent writing, during 2019. There are reasons for that, which I have touched on before but I haven’t, yet, unmasked the full story of. I will in later posts, but not now. Now is not the time.

You see the global enemy that runs amongst us, has forced all of us to rethink our lives. To lock ourselves away and wait, patiently, until friendly forces can show us all that we are on a path to winning this terrible war we are currently fighting. And lockdown means isolation, and isolation can produce cabin-fever, and cabin-fever can be; if it is not checked, a silent killer. At the very least it will change you and your perspective on the world. It will show you all of your thoughts, feeling, fears, regrets and memories. And it will lay them bare infront of you, like a vast interactive carpet for you to tread on and wipe your feet. To give you an indication of what I talk about, Have you ever stared at yourself in a mirror for longer than five minutes? If you have, you’ll have a very, very minor understanding of the point I try to make.

Personally, I’ve walked most of my life in a form of isolation. Unable to present my true personality to the outside world – Unable to be myself. I was introverted in some ways and extroverted in others – To the point that some of my closest friends, who have kown me for a very long time, are finding out now that I’m not the person they thought they knew. That I’ve changed, and not just visibly. For that’s what happens when you finally come out of isolation. And you finally come home…

You are different. But they just don’t know it yet.

Still on a personal level, my life has just been through a very massive, enforced change. A change I had to face head on. Creating a situation where I had to ask for help from sources I never expected to have to ask, or to rely on. Going through that change depleted my resources to a point where every penny had to be accounted for before it arrived, not after. I had to know exactly what was going on around me and how it affected me,in order to protect myself from a very much unknown enemy. I had to fight what I could not see. To put that into context and link it to the current sitation, I didn’t expect to have to fight those same battles twice. And not so close to each other. And certainly not from a very new, unkown, silent, enemy.

I don’t have the strength to fight both battles at the same time and there’s not enough resources left for me to even consider that, but I can concentrate on one. And I might just have enough left to turn that into a vitory. And come through that intact, alive, and ready to help put all my skills to use where they will be needed; in order to rebuild the world around me. To help put it back to what is once was, but in a new and excitingly different way.

To those on the front-line of ths war, I salute you – I salute you all. I’m with you in heart & mind and I prey for you every day – Loss of life to this kind of killer, in this day and age, with current technology, is needless. And I take my hat off to those in the lab who are learning everything there is to know about this threat that we face. When this war is over, rest assured, from what you hve read, that I feel I have the skill of knowing how hard a battle in isolation can be. And that I am prepared to use that skill for the greater good. I did not see the atrocities you saw, but there may be parallels with how you felt in that moment. And if you want to talk about that, all of you have my ears. If anyone needs my help, I’ll do what I can to help them; even if it’s just to give advice and flex that, very large (lol) empathetic ear.

I salute you all,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope? Hope your having a better week than the one I’ve had anyway. And for those that aren’t feeling oh-so-well at the moment, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. I really do because at the moment it just seems to be one crisis after another.

As I sit here and write this, I’m feeling a great deal of pain both in my heart and in my head. That’s because the situation I am currently in is not one that I would have liked to found myself in. But I am in it, and currently there is little I can do to get myself out of it. The pain I am feeling is sourced in the fact that I have allowed myself to be led by a desire to not be alone. The pain of living alone, having few friends in the area where I was living, and not having regular work to keep my mind occupied; as driven me to do something I would not normally do.

To add substance. I have friends, close friends; both here in the North West of England and in the East of England, were I was previously living. Having had little contact with my parents and family over the last few years, my friends have become my family and I try to treat them all with the love and respect they deserve. I am the type of person who can make acquaintances extremely easily, but friends, true friends and lasting friendships are difficult for me to maintain and hold. That’s autism for you, neuro diversity is such an extremely complex and strange beast that even those who are neuro diverse finding difficult to live with. Once you are a friend of mine you are a friend for life and so far I’ve lost only one of those friends to something which I know I should not have done, but that was also a situation which with hindsight I should have avoided.

I now feel as though a second situation of a similar magnitude may be approaching, and I may not be able to avoid this one either. Being the type of person that I am the lessons learnt from the previous situation are only serving to warn me that a repeat instance is approaching. I do not yet know how to avoid this situation, only that it is approaching faster than I currently handle.

I also feel the current circumstances are being magnified by the current coronavirus pandemic and the fear and panic that risk averse people in positions of power are currently spreading around the globe. This is not helpful when you’re trying to rebuild your life after the amount of distress which I found myself facing across the Christmas period.

But needs must. And I am unable to self actualise while my basic needs are not being met. The issues I am facing are striking at the very core needs that a person in this Western world would need to survive long-term. I am a fighter however, and I will always fight. Whether that be emotionally or physically, whether that be from anger inside myself or felt from other people. But I’m not sure if I have the energy to fight the current battles that are stacked up against me.

I don’t know without looking back through previous posts, whether I have talked about the déjà vu which has plagued my life since I was 28 years old. I may talk about this in another post. As it’s relevance here today is only to point out that the more déjà vu I have, the bigger the warning of a situation I cannot avoid. And I have had a lot of déjà vu and lucid dreams in recent weeks.

I will admit, here and now, in public, that I am scared for my future. I am fearful of a situation which will have a major impact on my life, and I’m fearful of the outcome of that situation as it may not be what I have expected for the last 30 years. I am worried that events will head in a direction that I do not want them to go. I’m concerned, afraid, that I will lose everything I have worked for; that I will lose everything I have or have ever had, and will find myself out there with nothing but me and what I can carry.

I know from experience that if I were to find myself in that situation that I would not survive. And having only recently found my true self, after searching all my life, I feel robbed of the fact I will not have time to enjoy life as me.

These are my concerns. And everything I just written is my deepest, darkest, fears. I’m scared it’s all coming true and there is little, if anything, I can do to stop it. But I am also scared that I am not ready to face those fears and they will overwhelm me, and destroy me.

I know that there are people who will read this that will worry for my mental health, my physical health and my state of well-being. There will be questions raised as to why I am not asking for help from these people. There will be questions raised as to why I am thinking this way, I’m writing this now. There will be questions raised as to what, if anything, can be done about it.

I assure you, all of you. Both those who know me well and those not much, that whatever is happening now is what must happen and I must try to follow my own advice, and feel the fear and go through it anyway.

That is advice that is very easy to say yet very difficult to follow and I know this because I’ve been there before. But what I didn’t know is that there are situations where even taking advice, no matter how difficult, can seem so much harder than what would be considered the easy way out. Not that that is what I am going to do, far from it in fact.

As a post, this is very much the opposite in terms of feeling than most of the posts that I have written in the past. And it comes a time where it is completely unexpected for me to be writing such a post. That is me, that is the way I am. For those are concerned, do not worry I will always find a way. But as I also say, change cannot come without risk and I am taking the risk by posting this. To borrow a line from Faithless:

“This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts”

Faithless, God is a DJ – 1998

Much Love,

Vikki xx

CONTENT WARNING – STRONG LANGUAGE

Morning gorgeous xx

How are you all this afternoon? Good I hope. For those that aren’t so good, I do hope things change for you soon. As usual, hugs all round and best wishes to one and all.

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I’m going to briefly mention the Corona Virus (COVID-19, SARS-COV-2) as it’s on everyone’s mind at the moment and I do believe there’s a lot of mass media hype surrounding it. So, here goes…

Listen. It’s a virus, like any other virus. And it’s a droplet virus at that; just like chickenpox, measles, influenza and the like (yes, you can include SARS in that as well if you’re feeling frisky). And it’s a particularly nasty strain of droplet virus as well. Oh yeah, I will admit it’s nasty; but it is still a droplet virus nonetheless.

“IT IS NOT KNOWN TO BE FULLY AIRBORNE!“

That’s a good thing – A really good thing. It means if you’re not in someone’s personal space and your surroundings are hygienic, you have little chance of catching the virus – Wash your hands, be hygenic, don’t pick your nose or scratch your arse… Remember when you were a kid? This stuff is easy. And if you are in one of the more vulnerable groups, keep your personal space yours. Don’t let those idiots and narcissits get in your face – It’s not healthy. Stand up amd tell people to keep their distance as the virus want’syou to breathe on people if you have it, that’s spreading it. Add to the fact that it’s roughtly 14 days before you know you have it and you’re contagious in that time, and well… Paranoia and Panic Spreading, again.

You want to keep your distance? The simplest test is this:- Breathe on a window – Yeah, I’m being serious. Then look at your breath, move back and repeat until you reach a point that when you breathe on the window, you can’t see anything left of your breath. That’s the MINIMUM distance you need to keep to prevent the spread of the virus. It is that simple, it really is, that’s all you got to do, and did I already say it? I’ll say it again, wash your damn hands – It’s that easy.

Oh, one more thing before I move on…

DIARROHEA, A RUNNY NOSE AND A CHESTY, MUCUS TYPE COUGH ARE NOT SYMPTOMS OF COVID-19!

All that toilet roll you bought… TAKE IT BACK – It’s fucking useless!!

The virus produces a DRY mouth, SORE throat, TICKLY cough and Pneumonia like symptoms (high temperature, etc.). Drinking LOTS of WARM water to push the viral cells down the Oesophagus and into the stomach, where bacteria can kill it; is essential. If you don’t, the virus is likely to enter the Trachia where it’s mainly dry with minimal mucus, this allows the virus to reach the lungs more easily and multiply.

Drinking warm water WILL slow down and possibly even prevent the spread of the virus within your body. Look it up, I did. It’s one of the top three things you can do to keep this thing at bay. And they work, they really do. China forced people to do them, others didn’t. Denmark did. Those that did are controlling the spread, those that didn’t… Well, you’ve seen the news.

So, let’s see what do you have to do to slow this thing down and stop it? Let’s have a look:

• Keep your distance – Essential, stay out of someone’s personal space.
• Be hygienic. Simple and easy – Wash your hands (not sanitiser, it’s useless unless it’s got a high alcohol content), don’t pick your nose or scratch your arse, and keep your surroundings clean
• Drink. Lots – If you think you have it, hit the warm water like it’s booze on a Saturday night. You know you want to

Oh yeah, and don’t believe the facebook hype. There’s way too much bull floating about, just like Donald Trump and Boris Johnson – Two strains?? Jesus, I’ve heard it all…

Right, rant over. Moving on…