Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all doing to day? Is life good? I hope so – If it’s not, I may have to slap you with a wet fish. Hmmm. Nah, moving on.

So I’ve got a problem. Life is moving on a bit, thing are progressing and not all in the way I want them to, but they’re progressing none-the-less. And I had a brilliant idea of what I wanted to talk about today… But I can’t talk about it. I mean, I can and I should. I should REALLY focus on a topic and talk about that; clearing that issue out of my head. But I’m not going to do that and I can’t do anything about it.

So why not? Do you ask. When I get on my soapbox I can make it the most entertaining conversation you’ve had that week. (I do love myself – not). And the feedback I’m getting from this blog is nothing short of astounding – I should have done this years ago. But I don’t know why I don’t want to, I’ve literally linked my fingers to my subconscious and switched the connection on. I have NO IDEA what my fingers are going to write, and by the time it’s finished; neither will you.

I mean, the day started early and I had start work at 8am because I had a counselling appointment at 10:30.  The counselling has been organised through work in order to deal with the issues that are happening in work… But why have I got to organise counselling to deal with the fact that work are basically discriminating against me; because other colleagues can’t handle the fact that I always was a woman and I didn’t tell them – I didn’t know either you daft bats, deal with it. I mean, you’ve had the same amount of time as me and I’m the only one who seems to be doing anything about it. Not one of these women has actually made the effort to talk to me in the last six weeks. So they STILL don’t know me. And yet that was their complaint. Retards.

But the interesting thing that came out of counselling; was that I should basically calm down and deal with it. There’s not point in being a hot-head, it isn’t going to get you anywhere. Ans she, my counsellor,  was bloody right. No seriously, she’s right, flipping your lid won’t work and I see that; people won’t deal with other people if they’re not rational. And it’s actually advice I give every, single, day. It’s something I’ve been heavily trained to deal with – Irrational people. But the upshot of all this is, that I’m fecking good at it and I instantly knew what she was saying – I nearly cried.

I could also tell you some very interesting and funny stories and I may do in a later post – who knows.

On the other hand though, now I’m the irrational one. And I don’t get it! I mean this issue of privacy on the toilet, using a single sex facility and the equality surrounding their use cuts pretty deep – We all need privacy when we’re doing a number two, correct? – But I’ve lost it over this (almost). I get that I’m fully in favour of fighting for the underdog, and I’ve got sharp claws. But I’ve never been the underdog though, not to this extent. I mean, shit, this is flaming insanity. And I just can’t make sense of it.

So in the background, I’ve been blubbering away on my own way of dealing with this. And something is starting to happen. I can’t say what at the moment, I’ll jeopardise the outcome – and I’m not letting that happen. But it is pretty drastic, probably seen as irrational. I just don’t know what hell else I can do.

Here’s the picture as it was explained to me (yeah this is my words though). Basically, I was advised that me being irrational is going against me. Why would these women want to share a toilet with another irrational woman? Who isn’t physically a woman – yet. What the feck do they think I’m going to do? I don’t have male hormones running around my body anymore; so my driving force isn’t the dangly appendage between my legs. I mean, if I have it cut off now; I would.

I’ve always maintained that if they talk to me, I’ll be fine with them. And that is true, I would rather talk an issue through first. Lover not a fighter. And the only other person (apart from my manager) who I’ve really lost it with over this, was the office manager, and that got the right result. But I shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place. I should have been offered an alternative, female, facility – not a disabled one that carried a contentious privacy issue along with it. As the disabled facility was my idea for a SHORT period of time, to be advised – with no alternative – that I must continue to use that facility because other people don’t like me using the one I’m supposed to, is discrimination isn’t it?

No you can’t because people don’t like it.

Get it?

Well It’ll be April 1st before I can use that facility, and I have to have counselling to deal with my issues of privacy and the resulting anger; in order to sort this out. I’m going to need fecking counselling when they tell me I can use it as I’ll be scared out of my mind something is going to happen when I’m in there. I’ll have been walking around that building for 4 months before I can use the correct toilet – that’s DRACONIAN! There’s a law against that now! And I really don’t think the others have been for counselling, I don’t know if I’m honest, but the dirty looks I get suggest they haven’t. I’m damn sure a counsellor would have told them to talk to me at some point – you only get a limited number of sessions, so they hit it head on. And THATS part of the process isn’t it? Dealing with the issue. Jesus, that’s why I’m here. Writing this blog!

I’d like to talk to these people but there’s two problems with that now. One, I don’t know who they are – they’re hiding behind management, still. And Two, the chance may never arise; especially with the line I’m taking and speed with which it’s progressing. I may end up having to go VERY quiet on this for a long time.

Damn this issue is doing my head in – I got on my soapbox again!

Ah feck it, just post it.

Love,

 

Vikki

 

Morning gorgeous xx

How is your day / evening / night going? Hope you’re at least trying to enjoy yourself. If things aren’t going so good, let me send you a hug and say that they will improve. You just need to find your way, and that’s not always easy; I know.

But anyway., moving on. I want to go slightly off topic today because I want to describe a situation that’s happened to me many times in my life. Bugs the hell out of me when it happens, but because of my job, I face this a lot. And it takes a lot from you to deal with – it’s not easy and don’t let anyone tell you it is.

So, I work in Technical Support. I’ve done almost every job in the Tech. Support Industry, 1st Line, 2nd Line, Networks, Training, Field, the lot. I won’t say I know everything there is to know, because I don’t. The industry changing every two years doesn’t help that cause either, but I’ve been in it a while – Over 20 years, on and off. Deal with it. Now, every so often you will face a customer / client / whatever; who seriously needs attitude realignment therapy. All you techies & customer service types and anyone who deals with the public at large; will get that straight away. You know the guy I mean, and no offence guys but it’s usually a bloke – not always, but usually. It’s the guy who’s REALLY pissed off at something. They’re having a bad day. And then something breaks, as it always does when you’re having a bad day. And no one can fix it. ****. And they say bad things come in threes…

You got the person pictured in your mind yet?…

Yeah, Mister Attitude is walking around the office and everyone else is on egg shells. This is a daily occurrence for some people and they’re always walking around like that. For others it’s a one-off and can be dealt with. Depends on the problem, the situation, whatever.

Just coming back on topic, all you girls will get this better than the guys. Change someone’s hormone imbalance and put them through puberty as the opposite sex again. Teenager in the body of an Adult? 13 going on 30? Hello…

Right where were we. Ahhh yes, I remember. Mister (or Mrs) Attitude. Okay, so, they have a problem. In this case their computer is broken and needs fixing, so what do they do? Well firstly, try they to fix it themselves. They’re not happy it’s not working and they want to get on with their day without interruption. They can’t fix it though, they don’t know how. The problem gets worse. So they pick up the phone and call the help-desk. The help-desk is in another country, in a different time-zone and the operator’s first language doesn’t match the caller. Frustrating. And to add insult to injury, because they’ve tried to fix the problem themselves, the help-desk operator can’t. They’ve made it worse.

Having worked on a help-desk, I know there are rules you have to follow when it comes to what and when you’re allowed to say something on the phone. And a good, well trained, operator knows when to break or bend those rules. But in the situation above, those rules apply as they’re there to ensure the call goes as smoothly; and as quickly, as possible. In this situation though, it rarely does. And the operator usually ends up offending the caller in some way (or the other way around) – strike two and off to second line we go.

OK, so I’ve spent a good deal of time at 2nd Line – We’re the guys and gals who fix stuff. We know just enough of our shit to get the job done and keep people happy. But when it comes to real major stuff, that’s the Network and Infrastructure teams – they keep the lights on, we make sure the bulbs and switches are working. (ps, all you desktop guys with big heads who think you know more than you do? Cool off, remember, 20 YEARS…)

Anyway, the help-desk pass you a call; and you look at who the user is, and they’re known for needing attitude readjustment. But you deal anyway, you have to, someone’s got to fix it and it’s now down to you. So off you go, you can do this you’re the cool 2nd Line Guy / Gal. You get there, you can see they’re in a bad mood but they’re polite because someone has turned up to fix it. You look at the problem and you realise they’ve screwed it. No way is it a 30 second fix, and you need to tell them.

Thing is, as you’re looking at the problem and they’re describing to you what happened, leaving out the important details (what they did to break it). Well build that wall now bitches and build it fast – you’re going to need it. This one is going to be painful, and you just know it’s going to go off. Whatever it is that pissed them off earlier in the day is about to hit you right in the face, and there’s nothing you can do about it –  It’s coming right at you.

How do you deal with it?

Well the best way is to stay calm and let them rant, you can have your say later. And you can, it’s not then end of the world if you don’t get it said at the time. Just because Mr or Mrs Attitude want’s to go through 20 different bullet points; doesn’t mean you have to remember them all, you just need to get the overall picture – i.e., they’re pissed at something. If you can work out what it is, great, go get a job as a counsellor. If not, who really gives a shit? I don’t, that’s for sure – and I could take a job as a counsellor.

But seriously, the point I’m trying to make is; what’s the point in getting angry at everything. Don’t fight fire with fire, fight fire with water. And if that don’t work, just let the damn building burn to the ground – you can always rebuild it when the fire goes out.

So to let you know where the ‘On Topic’ comes in, well that’s exactly what I decided to do in work. You see, I have mentioned (briefly) that there was an attitude in work when I came out. And that it was said – directly to me, might I add – that I’m, “Not a Woman”. Well, if you want to get chromosomal on my ass, no, I’m not. Actually I don’t know if I’m XX (unlikely), XY (probable) or some other combination (XXY, XYY, XXXY, whatever) – intersex I believe is the term they use.

What I do know, is that my brain thinks I’m female – and body looks male. I have to work with that shit, I have to live my life and deal with that on a daily basis and the best the medical professions can offer me is Gender Reassignment Surgery. Well I’m up for that, as I want to live out the rest of my life happy; just like you do.

So here’s the deal – Back the **** off and give me the space to do so. It’s not hard when you think about it.

Much Love & Hugs,

 

Vikki

Morning Gorgeous xx

How you all doing today? You good? Glad to hear it.

Lets start by saying that some of the best and most creative offerings the world has ever seen, have come from some of the darkest places in the creators mind. You can argue that all day long if you like but I’m sure there’s million examples on both sides of the argument. Essentially, to bring out your best; you have to go through your worst.

And in my head, that’s pretty much where I’m at.

I’m sure a lot of my friends who read this will be worried about me right now – I ask you, don’t be. I’m OK, I’ll get through this. My head will sort it all out; that’s for sure. I didn’t get to 45 years old without living a life and you all know that.

But all know why I’m doing this, it’s to get the horrible thoughts out. To keep me in a good place, to stop me from going back to those Pitch Black places that I’ve described to you all before. To make sure that the stuff that runs round in my head and won’t go anywhere; HAS somewhere to go. You all know I love Music and you’ve all seen the pictures of my home studio (for those that haven’t, I’ll upload one). I do write occasionally, I have a friend who will take any opportunity to grab me, a keyboard and his Mac and get something out of my fingers! – He’s always pleased with the results (Love ya both – you know who you are)

Thing is that’s what I’ve learn’t (re-learnt) through all of this, is to get it out, do something with it and turn the dark, horrible stuff into something bright and useful. And that’s also why some of my posts don’t always make sense (as has been said, and rightly so). In my defence, I go back and edit them afterwards, right?

I’m in one of those dark places now. My head is literally spinning with information and issues. The only connection between any of them is me and my transition – and even then, some of them don’t add up. I mean, we still have Toiletgate and my Boss & HR are looking at 3 months to sort that out – 3 months from when it happened, NOT from my transition; which was a month previous. This is literally making me scared to use the female toilet in my area, and I’m going to need more counselling to sort it out – I don’t think I’ll be able to go in there on my own, that’s a dead cert. And I’m scared of the door now, I’ve never been this scared of anything in my life! What’s it going to be like when I’m allowed to use it?

In my mind they’re validating discrimination on the basis that other people are scared, but this what the Equalities Act was supposed to avoid! Where’s the Education and Inclusion that this Law was supposed to bring in?

And that’s my next point. HOW do you educate people on these issues? I know there’s charities and organisations out there who are spreading the word (StoneWall, The Beaumont Society, GIRES) but they’re not penetrating where I am. How could they be? As I wouldn’t have this issue if they did. Transgender issues have been in the national media a lot recently (Transformation Street, CBB 2018 – India Willoughby, Piers Morgans Life Stories – Caitlyn Jenner). But they’re not covering the whole story. The biggest point of which is Female To Male (FtM) Gender Reassignment – I’ve just been doing some reading on that and it hasn’t helped my head in ANY way, shape or form, that’s a whole new ball game.

I mean, my head is absolutely spinning this morning and I’m close to tears. And I think a lot of it is fear. Fear of change, fear of acceptance & inclusion from the world around me. Some of it is the world’s fears. There’s someone walking around who doesn’t fit into a predefined category or social construct. Then there’s a lack of education. The world IS changing but VERY slowly and these new, 21st century social ideas and values haven’t been fully accepted by the older generations – of which I am a part.

There are people of my age, who probably grew up in the same way I did but are not like me. And therefore have the same attitudes and values that were impressed upon me when I was a kid. Someone like me was socially unacceptable, a freak. The original Victorian Caged Animal. And there is the problem for my generation. Victorian Values. Edwardian Values.

And a side note – It’s not what people say, it’s what they do.

The above is important, VERY important. My Parents are Post-War Baby Boomers. Their attitudes and values, regardless of what they say, are firmly imprinted in that era, that’s when they were born, that was the influence around them at the time. My Grandparents, although now deceased; God rest their soul, Were born in the Edwardian Era – getting there? So my Great Grandparents, were pretty obviously; Victorian. Now you haven’t gone that far back in my life, to reach a point in my history where the values of sex and gender were firmly opposed to anything that wasn’t Black & White (Male or Female). “Are you a Man or a Woman?” – Remember that from an earlier post? That’s pretty much a Victorian Value right there. I’m not going into the debate of historic values and I don’t want one, but that’s background to all this; as I see it, rightly or wrongly.

So why should it not be the same for anyone else? – Answers on a postcard.

It’s been said to me in conversation that my generation, Generation X, are the last that will have these issues. The last will grow up with the predefined attitude of Male and Female. And that is so true, with the world changing in the way that it is; what other conclusion is there to reach? But we are also the Trailblazers, we are also the milestone generation. We are the parents of the Millennials, we gave the the new world the attitude that it has, either by choice or by rebellion. The thing is, were WE rebelling against outdated social values and constructs? Yes; we were and did we impress that rebellion upon our children? Yes; we did. Are we the children of the 1960/70’s response to Drugs & Free Love? Yes, we are. So are we the trailblazers acting upon the changes in attitudes of our parents? Yes.

Then why the fuck was my Uncle (An openly gay Drag Queen) put on a pedestal in a cage? And why was that attitude of morbid tolerance, rather than open acceptance, thrust upon me?

You see the source of my confusion now?

Welcome to my Blog.

Love,

 

Vikki xx

 

Morning gorgeous xx

Let me describe a situation to you. This is my current situation and I’m telling you because it’s important to know where I am, before I explain how I got here.

So I’m at home right now. Lying in the bed with my phone in my hand. I’ve just had a very long conversation with a friend. And earlier, I was at another friends. But part of both conversations was the same topic. The topic is a situation I find myself in at work. And it’s a situation that I find myself in, because I am transitioning.

The situation itself is down to a question of viewpoints. Ultimately, it’s my viewpoint against the world, and we can get to that shortly. But this is a challenge that everyone must face at some point in their life and we all must find ways of overcoming it. So, OK, why mention it now then? Well, the reason it’s a challenge for me is not anything anyone has done or said to impress a different viewpoint upon me, its the fact that my viewpoint is changing, rapidly.

You see, for 45 years of my life, I was a Man. I had developed a man’s viewpoint on the world and it had developed a similar viewpoint of me – I was a Man in the world at large. Fair enough, It wasn’t easy getting to that agreement with the world when you’re struggling with your identity, but I’d done it. And on the face of it I’d done it pretty well. Nice one mate, job done. Only as appears typical in my life, I spend a lot of energy building something concrete; something that can’t be broken down, a mountain. Only to find I built it in the wrong place, or it was the wrong size, or some other reason why it didn’t fit with what everyone else wanted. And the same was true of my identity. It turns out I’d spent a lot of energy building an identity for the world at large only to find I’d built the wrong one, and it wasn’t my true identity at all.

Oh shit.

So you see, I’m not a man after all. I’m a woman, and in fact I always have been. And that’s the problem I had with the world, I couldn’t see it for what it was because I had the wrong glasses on – rose coloured in fact. But I wasn’t allowed to set the correct viewpoint for me, and grow up with it, because the world got there first and changed it.

So OK, I developed the viewpoint and personality I had to keep the world happy. Upsetting the world and blazing that trail on your own, as a child, is risky when you’re brought up in an environment where everything is black and white – With a hint of pink that it likes to show off every now and then.

But it’s basically black and white, or Male and Female; but you get the drift so I’ll leave it at Black & White. Either way, you have the physical characteristics of Black (Male) or White (Female) and that’s it. You are what you are, grow up and shut up. And as I had the body of one side of the fence, Black, I must have the personality to match – No way did I have the personality from the other side, White. That could never happen. And God forbid I found myself having a personality in the Pink. Please no, don’t do that to me, I’m not a Victorian caged animal, I’m a human being. Luckily, I didn’t have that – Never have had. But I did learn real quickly that if I was Black, then really; something pretty damn major was wrong as my personality was White and I knew it. Damn you.

Then, as I said, the world stepped in and changed my viewpoint. In fact it slapped me in the face – Real bloody hard as well. At it happened at an age where I was no where near old enough to understand what the world was, so this came as rather a shock. WTF.

And to be honest, I didn’t really need to know at that age – I didn’t want to know either. I thought I had quite a few more years yet before that was something I needed to think about. And I was happy being a child, why should I need to care. I had enough to deal with with my brother, anyway. So when the world woke me up early and told me to get up, I couldn’t, I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know how. I needed more time to work out who I was, time to be left alone please, until I was ready. But the world doesn’t care about that, so it literally just left leaving me in a bubble and leaving me to get up on my own.

So I did. I got up, I looked in the mirror, I painted myself Black and I did whatever I could to get on with it. I wobbled a lot – a hell of a lot, but I eventually made it. Wouldn’t be here to tell the tale if I didn’t.

The only problem now, and this is the source of my confusion. Is I’ve walked all these miles on this journey, only to find out I’d been on the wrong journey all along. WTF…

Lots of Love,

 

Vikki

 

…And start being one.

And there. Right there. Is the crux of the Male to Female journey for me. And very probably most of those in my generation, but anyway….

Morning gorgeous… xx

How are you my lovelies. I hope you’re all getting where you want to be, no matter how long it takes you. As it will always take longer for some than for others. It’s just the way the world is.

Never forget that as it’s a damn good piece of advice. Well, let me share some other useful pieces of advice with you; and you’ll start to see what I’ve been thinking today:

They say patience is a virtue, and it is – good things come to those who wait, no doubt about that.

They also tell you that if you want something badly enough, then you must go out and get it. And that is also a damn good piece of advice. There is no point in waiting around if you already know what you want. Go get it girl.

Well these are two conflicting pieces of advice. One is telling you to wait and see what happens and the other is telling you not to, just to go ahead and do it. Well which one do you choose, and how do you choose? Well you choose the one that’s right for your situation, and only you will know which one that is. No one can tell you, it’s something you really do have to work out for yourself – you have no choice. People can advise you, but anyone can give advice. It’s the one thing everyone gives and no one takes. And you NEVER take your own, do you?

Don’t lie.

Well I have had a similar problem over the years with two conflicting pieces of advice. And I think it’s a problem that anyone struggling to discover their self identity has had. Cutting to the Chase, the biggest part of the problem was not the advice itself, but working out which one best suited me and helped me to deal with the situation.

As I’ve said, growing up, I was expected to be a particular type of person. I was expected to be male. I was physically and socially a boy and I would grow up to be a man. And because of that, one of the biggest pieces of advice that was ingrained into me when things went wrong was the phrase; “Stop acting like a woman”. I was visibly a man and men don’t cry, men know what to do (apparently), men have confidence in a given situation, and men keep their cool. 1980s society in the western world all over; right?

Good, you got it. But there was another piece of advice that was coming to the fore. And that advice was offered to me many times – and it makes sense to follow it too. That is; “Be Yourself and be the best version of yourself that you can be”. Good one that isn’t it, who can’t tell me they don’t know that one today?

So now we have Gender Dysphoria. And the issue of not being able to choose between two conflicting things. Essentially, “Are you a man or a woman?”.

Oops, did I say something there? You did read that didn’t you?

I hope you did, because I’ve just hit the nail on the head. I’ve just described, at least my; dysphoria for the first time. And it’s something that I suspect there’s a lot of people out there; that can relate to. Because the issue I’ve faced all my life, the thing that has blown my brain without realising it all these years, is that I was always being told to stop acting like a woman, when I actually felt like I am one.

Now to grasp my situation fully, I’d like you to put that in the mind of a 10 year old, prepubescent child. Whose just been raped because his schoolmates thought he was gay. And it wasn’t acknowledged by anyone – it was covered up. “The dunking” as my mother referred to it. Funny that, didn’t feel like I was being dunked, more spit roasted.

But anyway; the advice was, stop acting like a woman and be a man about it. Grow up. You want to tell me exactly how you expect me to do this? Please?…

Love,

Vikki