Morning Gorgeous xx

I’m going to keep this one short – really short. But it has to go up as it follows into the next quite accurately; so here goes…

Well, they say today is the first day of the rest of your life. Well I actually realised ow true that is this morning and, yet again, I’m in a very reflective mood – with an awful lot going around in my head.

I went to see a play last night, don’t go to the theatre very often (I should). The storyline revolved around a man, a boxer, who was Gay. And it was about him coming to terms with that fact and essentially “coming out” to the world.. It’s a damn good play, written by a guy called Rob Ward. It was written in response to the 2014 Winter Olympics in Russia and has been nominated for a number of awards – it deserves them.

It strikes a chord with me as the whole play is written from the point of view of freedom of expression (a lot of ‘of’s’ in there, lol). And I think it strikes a chord with anybody whose ever had difficulty expressing themselves. In my case it struck the chords of LGBT+ as I am Trans, as you know. But it my case it also struck the chord of the difficulties that people face when trying to express themselves; not just as LGBTQ. See, I’m Autistic as well, which creates further difficulties as I don’t see the world the same way other people do – and that adds an extra barrier on the road to being able to express yourself freely. That barrier has caused me a lot of pain and ultimately resulted in the post that I’ll put up next.

Go see the play, if you can or at least read up on it – in my case, it’s life changing.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Apologies all if I haven’t posted in a while.  I have to say that life has been extremely busy and I’ve been very, VERY focussed on a small number of issues…

I haven’t yet resolved those issues, in my mind they’re ongoing. But I can’t physically / mentally do anything about them – or I can, but it’s extreme. And it requires more thought and attention than I wish to give. I can’t change those issues, and they hurt – really hurt. To the point that I cry almost everytime I think about them. But neither that, nor the more extreme option will do anyone any good. I just need to ride them out and hope that someday, someone who was in a position to resolve them sees my point of view.

But anyway, deep breaths; breathe slowly – You need to be the Strong, Confident, Woman that everyone is expecting you to be; as you need to rebuild your personality to match who you are striving to become. And that also means rebuilding your life out of the mess that Bert has left behind. That is no mean feat as he really fucked things up on his way out of the door…

Vikki x

Morning Gorgeous xx

How is everyone today you all feeling OK? Hope so, you’ll tell me if you aren’t, right? You’d better, don’t lie to me! I can’t help you if you’re lying about what’s really going on in that pretty little head of yours, can I? And that, is exactly where I’m coming from today. Why are we all doing this? What are the reasons behind the deep seated psychological discomfort that comes with Dysphoria?

Well, I’m not so sure today if all Trans people are on the same page.

You know I love a good story, telling one especially – it’s part of what makes you a good parent – Hiding your kids from the truth until they’re ready to understand it. But this one is a cracker. You see, I’ve always stated that I have trouble identifying with a lot of the Trans community that’s out there. And I do, I really do and it’s partly because I just don’t get some of the stories that I’m hearing about WHY people want to Transition. What’s the real motivating factor behind it all?

When the younger Trans community get a hold of this post; after I’ve written it. I’m expecting to get flamed. And rightly so – You exercise your voice kids, that what us parent’s tell you to do. But for fucks sake, make sure your story is straight before you open your mouth. Because if I see even the SLIGHTEST reason to think you’re doing this for the wrong reasons; I call you fucking right out on it. I’ll bring that right to front of the argument, and I’ll make it the argument – Like a damn good shrink should do. I say this because I think there’s a rather large amount of you that actually need that to happen first – not that some of you will listen.

I read a story about a Trans person who was constantly put back by his psychiatrist. Got to admit, that’s annoying, can be a pain in the arse. On it’s own, it looked perfectly acceptable for the patient to kick off and look to change their shrink. Don’t blame them for that.

Then I read a few more, and, being autistic, I started to recognise a pattern. Something didn’t add up about these people. Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before but early psychologists tried to categorise Trans people into six different types, based on their level of Dysphoria – I’m a category five. I’ve opted for surgery but my dysphoria isn’t great enough yet for it to be an absolute necessity. By contrast, a Drag Queen is a category III and your husband trying on your underwear and liking it, is a category I. Category Six’s are the real crazy’s – they HAVE to have the surgery, it’s the only treatment option. And for the love of Caitlyn Jenner do they let you know it.

But here’s the deal. I don’t think all category IV, V and VI’s are genuine. I think there’s people hiding in there who have other “Personality Disorders“, and have either been misdiagnosed or are deliberately bending the system for some reason.

Tell you how I know.

I was talking to someone on the internet last night, and they shown me pics of their transition. And they’re pretty good, and once the transition is complete; you won’t recognise this individual at all – nice. But something concerned me about this person – Something didn’t add up about their story.

Now I need to be careful here not to give too much away, so it HAS to be vague. But their back story involves a lot of shame, relating to a single event, that was a public outcry. I get it, it hurts – my own back story involves a single event that did some damage to me personally. It sucks when it happens.

I don’t know what the issue was, they never told me, but they immediately started talking about moving to another country as well. That’s a sad state of affairs when that happens to you and it was a couple of years ago, and they say they still have issues now. Maybe a change of scenery is the way forward for them. I did it, I didn’t change country; but I moved away in the end.

I’m damn sure that with all of that going on; is going to create some kind of Dysphoria in your life, and you’re going to have to change something in order to deal with it, your location; definitely – but your sex? Do you really need to change your fucking sex to handle something like that? Do you fuck – get over it.

I mean, this person was getting all upset that the doctors were holding the transition back. They’d been on anti-androgens for several months, but with no Estrogen – That didn’t add up – You need the Estrogen to feminize. Their appearance had changed; as they were still young, but they didn’t look female – they looked like a boyish child. Also, they were expecting massive changes with the Estrogen and looking for them to happen straight away. So much so; that they frowned upon me when I said what changes had happened to me so far, as if the Estrogen wasn’t working. I’ve news for you mate, it is. As for them, it seems to me as if the doctors are trying to get them to see something else, but they can’t.

Anyhow, it made me think about the reasons people look to Transition. And in particular, my own. Well I realised a few things then, and I think I need another post after this one. And it’s going to be deeply personal.

Anyway, it’s late, I need to sleep. So I’ll bid you goodnight.

Love,

 

Vikki

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all doing to day? Is life good? I hope so – If it’s not, I may have to slap you with a wet fish. Hmmm. Nah, moving on.

So I’ve got a problem. Life is moving on a bit, thing are progressing and not all in the way I want them to, but they’re progressing none-the-less. And I had a brilliant idea of what I wanted to talk about today… But I can’t talk about it. I mean, I can and I should. I should REALLY focus on a topic and talk about that; clearing that issue out of my head. But I’m not going to do that and I can’t do anything about it.

So why not? Do you ask. When I get on my soapbox I can make it the most entertaining conversation you’ve had that week. (I do love myself – not). And the feedback I’m getting from this blog is nothing short of astounding – I should have done this years ago. But I don’t know why I don’t want to, I’ve literally linked my fingers to my subconscious and switched the connection on. I have NO IDEA what my fingers are going to write, and by the time it’s finished; neither will you.

I mean, the day started early and I had start work at 8am because I had a counselling appointment at 10:30.  The counselling has been organised through work in order to deal with the issues that are happening in work… But why have I got to organise counselling to deal with the fact that work are basically discriminating against me; because other colleagues can’t handle the fact that I always was a woman and I didn’t tell them – I didn’t know either you daft bats, deal with it. I mean, you’ve had the same amount of time as me and I’m the only one who seems to be doing anything about it. Not one of these women has actually made the effort to talk to me in the last six weeks. So they STILL don’t know me. And yet that was their complaint. Retards.

But the interesting thing that came out of counselling; was that I should basically calm down and deal with it. There’s not point in being a hot-head, it isn’t going to get you anywhere. Ans she, my counsellor,  was bloody right. No seriously, she’s right, flipping your lid won’t work and I see that; people won’t deal with other people if they’re not rational. And it’s actually advice I give every, single, day. It’s something I’ve been heavily trained to deal with – Irrational people. But the upshot of all this is, that I’m fecking good at it and I instantly knew what she was saying – I nearly cried.

I could also tell you some very interesting and funny stories and I may do in a later post – who knows.

On the other hand though, now I’m the irrational one. And I don’t get it! I mean this issue of privacy on the toilet, using a single sex facility and the equality surrounding their use cuts pretty deep – We all need privacy when we’re doing a number two, correct? – But I’ve lost it over this (almost). I get that I’m fully in favour of fighting for the underdog, and I’ve got sharp claws. But I’ve never been the underdog though, not to this extent. I mean, shit, this is flaming insanity. And I just can’t make sense of it.

So in the background, I’ve been blubbering away on my own way of dealing with this. And something is starting to happen. I can’t say what at the moment, I’ll jeopardise the outcome – and I’m not letting that happen. But it is pretty drastic, probably seen as irrational. I just don’t know what hell else I can do.

Here’s the picture as it was explained to me (yeah this is my words though). Basically, I was advised that me being irrational is going against me. Why would these women want to share a toilet with another irrational woman? Who isn’t physically a woman – yet. What the feck do they think I’m going to do? I don’t have male hormones running around my body anymore; so my driving force isn’t the dangly appendage between my legs. I mean, if I have it cut off now; I would.

I’ve always maintained that if they talk to me, I’ll be fine with them. And that is true, I would rather talk an issue through first. Lover not a fighter. And the only other person (apart from my manager) who I’ve really lost it with over this, was the office manager, and that got the right result. But I shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place. I should have been offered an alternative, female, facility – not a disabled one that carried a contentious privacy issue along with it. As the disabled facility was my idea for a SHORT period of time, to be advised – with no alternative – that I must continue to use that facility because other people don’t like me using the one I’m supposed to, is discrimination isn’t it?

No you can’t because people don’t like it.

Get it?

Well It’ll be April 1st before I can use that facility, and I have to have counselling to deal with my issues of privacy and the resulting anger; in order to sort this out. I’m going to need fecking counselling when they tell me I can use it as I’ll be scared out of my mind something is going to happen when I’m in there. I’ll have been walking around that building for 4 months before I can use the correct toilet – that’s DRACONIAN! There’s a law against that now! And I really don’t think the others have been for counselling, I don’t know if I’m honest, but the dirty looks I get suggest they haven’t. I’m damn sure a counsellor would have told them to talk to me at some point – you only get a limited number of sessions, so they hit it head on. And THATS part of the process isn’t it? Dealing with the issue. Jesus, that’s why I’m here. Writing this blog!

I’d like to talk to these people but there’s two problems with that now. One, I don’t know who they are – they’re hiding behind management, still. And Two, the chance may never arise; especially with the line I’m taking and speed with which it’s progressing. I may end up having to go VERY quiet on this for a long time.

Damn this issue is doing my head in – I got on my soapbox again!

Ah feck it, just post it.

Love,

 

Vikki

 

Morning gorgeous xx

How is your day / evening / night going? Hope you’re at least trying to enjoy yourself. If things aren’t going so good, let me send you a hug and say that they will improve. You just need to find your way, and that’s not always easy; I know.

But anyway., moving on. I want to go slightly off topic today because I want to describe a situation that’s happened to me many times in my life. Bugs the hell out of me when it happens, but because of my job, I face this a lot. And it takes a lot from you to deal with – it’s not easy and don’t let anyone tell you it is.

So, I work in Technical Support. I’ve done almost every job in the Tech. Support Industry, 1st Line, 2nd Line, Networks, Training, Field, the lot. I won’t say I know everything there is to know, because I don’t. The industry changing every two years doesn’t help that cause either, but I’ve been in it a while – Over 20 years, on and off. Deal with it. Now, every so often you will face a customer / client / whatever; who seriously needs attitude realignment therapy. All you techies & customer service types and anyone who deals with the public at large; will get that straight away. You know the guy I mean, and no offence guys but it’s usually a bloke – not always, but usually. It’s the guy who’s REALLY pissed off at something. They’re having a bad day. And then something breaks, as it always does when you’re having a bad day. And no one can fix it. ****. And they say bad things come in threes…

You got the person pictured in your mind yet?…

Yeah, Mister Attitude is walking around the office and everyone else is on egg shells. This is a daily occurrence for some people and they’re always walking around like that. For others it’s a one-off and can be dealt with. Depends on the problem, the situation, whatever.

Just coming back on topic, all you girls will get this better than the guys. Change someone’s hormone imbalance and put them through puberty as the opposite sex again. Teenager in the body of an Adult? 13 going on 30? Hello…

Right where were we. Ahhh yes, I remember. Mister (or Mrs) Attitude. Okay, so, they have a problem. In this case their computer is broken and needs fixing, so what do they do? Well firstly, try they to fix it themselves. They’re not happy it’s not working and they want to get on with their day without interruption. They can’t fix it though, they don’t know how. The problem gets worse. So they pick up the phone and call the help-desk. The help-desk is in another country, in a different time-zone and the operator’s first language doesn’t match the caller. Frustrating. And to add insult to injury, because they’ve tried to fix the problem themselves, the help-desk operator can’t. They’ve made it worse.

Having worked on a help-desk, I know there are rules you have to follow when it comes to what and when you’re allowed to say something on the phone. And a good, well trained, operator knows when to break or bend those rules. But in the situation above, those rules apply as they’re there to ensure the call goes as smoothly; and as quickly, as possible. In this situation though, it rarely does. And the operator usually ends up offending the caller in some way (or the other way around) – strike two and off to second line we go.

OK, so I’ve spent a good deal of time at 2nd Line – We’re the guys and gals who fix stuff. We know just enough of our shit to get the job done and keep people happy. But when it comes to real major stuff, that’s the Network and Infrastructure teams – they keep the lights on, we make sure the bulbs and switches are working. (ps, all you desktop guys with big heads who think you know more than you do? Cool off, remember, 20 YEARS…)

Anyway, the help-desk pass you a call; and you look at who the user is, and they’re known for needing attitude readjustment. But you deal anyway, you have to, someone’s got to fix it and it’s now down to you. So off you go, you can do this you’re the cool 2nd Line Guy / Gal. You get there, you can see they’re in a bad mood but they’re polite because someone has turned up to fix it. You look at the problem and you realise they’ve screwed it. No way is it a 30 second fix, and you need to tell them.

Thing is, as you’re looking at the problem and they’re describing to you what happened, leaving out the important details (what they did to break it). Well build that wall now bitches and build it fast – you’re going to need it. This one is going to be painful, and you just know it’s going to go off. Whatever it is that pissed them off earlier in the day is about to hit you right in the face, and there’s nothing you can do about it –  It’s coming right at you.

How do you deal with it?

Well the best way is to stay calm and let them rant, you can have your say later. And you can, it’s not then end of the world if you don’t get it said at the time. Just because Mr or Mrs Attitude want’s to go through 20 different bullet points; doesn’t mean you have to remember them all, you just need to get the overall picture – i.e., they’re pissed at something. If you can work out what it is, great, go get a job as a counsellor. If not, who really gives a shit? I don’t, that’s for sure – and I could take a job as a counsellor.

But seriously, the point I’m trying to make is; what’s the point in getting angry at everything. Don’t fight fire with fire, fight fire with water. And if that don’t work, just let the damn building burn to the ground – you can always rebuild it when the fire goes out.

So to let you know where the ‘On Topic’ comes in, well that’s exactly what I decided to do in work. You see, I have mentioned (briefly) that there was an attitude in work when I came out. And that it was said – directly to me, might I add – that I’m, “Not a Woman”. Well, if you want to get chromosomal on my ass, no, I’m not. Actually I don’t know if I’m XX (unlikely), XY (probable) or some other combination (XXY, XYY, XXXY, whatever) – intersex I believe is the term they use.

What I do know, is that my brain thinks I’m female – and body looks male. I have to work with that shit, I have to live my life and deal with that on a daily basis and the best the medical professions can offer me is Gender Reassignment Surgery. Well I’m up for that, as I want to live out the rest of my life happy; just like you do.

So here’s the deal – Back the **** off and give me the space to do so. It’s not hard when you think about it.

Much Love & Hugs,

 

Vikki