Morning Gorgeous xx

Hope your all OK out there? I’ll pass on my usual support to you if not, you know where I am if you need me. I’m always available for someone in need of support, I just can’t see anyone down and out without offering to lend a hand up. Like I have this week, but that’s a different story…

So, I’ll bet you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in a while? No? I’ll tell you anyway. It’s been a very difficult time for me. Now that all the major changes are complete, it’s a case of getting used to my new life. I see the world differently, the world sees me differently. I still react the same, but the world reacts to me differently. I don’t know how to handle that. I have to learn.

There’s a story behind recent events which I will detail in my next post. But the upshot of it is, I s that I nearly lost everything – and I mean it was VERY close, two hours close.

I’d given up. I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t feel like I was getting the help I needed, but I also didn’t KNOW what help I needed. And consequently; no one knew how to help me and I didn’t know how to help myself, or even if I could help myself – things had gone that far?

It’s hard enough to write this but then I look up, and look around, and realise where I am and how I got here, and it was nothing short of a miracle.

I have a new job. A job where they accept me as me, Victoria. They treat me as a woman – I am female. Even the men in the office did the usual; “Let’s get to know the new hot chick” routine – Without even realising that they were doing it. They were very disappointed to discover I was Transgender (smiles) – It’s great; I laugh, I cry, I work, I socialize, I get on with it and I enjoy my day.

It’s a great place to work too, with a lot of benefits that I didn’t expect. Those benefits go a long way to mitigating the errors of the past and although they won’t last forever, while they’re here, let’s not knock them down.

The money. Well. Have you heard the term hitting the floor and bouncing off the ceiling? Yeah, I won’t talk about that. Best not. Suffice to say that it’s good – very good and I appreciate every last penny that I earn; because it is hard earned and well deserved.

So I look around, I realise where I am and how I got here, and the risks I have to take to keep everything together. But I will do it. I will do the very best that I can do with what I have because that’s what life has taught me.

And will be grateful for every single day that I am alive.

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all doing today? Hope you’re all happy with everything or in the process of changing that you are not happy with. You see, change brings about renewal. And renewal creates new opportunities and experiences for us to learn from. And learning helps us grow into better people who can effect or assist change in others – depending on what we’ve already learnt, of course.

Well the last few days have been a learning curve for me, there’s no two ways about that. I’ve learnt enough over the last five days to raise my entire consciousness up one level. I’ve done that because I’ve had to learn to trust people, trust not only what they say and do; but also their motives and instincts. Effectively, I’ve had to learn to trust WHY someone is doing something, but I wasn’t in a position to outright ask the question – I had to learn it on the go. On top of that, my own motives for certain things were also brought into question; and I was judged on my actions once those questions were raised, as well. So as I say, it’s been a tough, very tough, few days.

But I’ve come out the other side, and I’m happy with the result. It leaves me with some very important questions that I must answer, and only I can answer them. The good thing is, I will. By the time we hit Wednesday; I’ll have all the answers I need – That’s a bit quick, you say? Yeah it is. But I know HOW to answer these questions, and that makes a big difference.

While all this is going on, another little rears it’s head; to do with my past. The problem of acknowledging my past and its existence. And that maybe I need to put it right, that maybe I haven’t been as honest with myself, regarding certain things, as I should have been. And it actually tied in quite nicely to what is going on now, without me realising it. Well, I’d actually like to thank the person, from my past, who raised this. They know who they are, and they know where I went wrong. And I did go wrong, VERY wrong. You see, it’s not fair to dissolve four years of your life down to a single sentence; whatever the reason may be. Especially as those years had a profound impact on my life – I’ll put it right chicken, you have my word.

And that brings me neatly onto my final point – I’ve started work on another blog.

You see; I have this blog, Feeling Trans, and this blog is designed to tell you about how I feel. And that’s great, lets all get serious & shit and educate the world; one page at a time. Phenomenal. But as you can see, I am a person, I have a sense of humour and I like to be less serious about things from time to time.

So I’ve started another blog in order to take a less serious approach to the path of Transitioning. And I’d like you to meet Martha Shitapple – The Six Foot Scouse Tranny, lol. Martha is going through hell, just like I did. But Martha’s journey is a lot more Jovial than mine. Her exploits; such as climbing in through a friends bedroom window the night after a party, in order to retrieve her phone. Are definitely a lot more comical than mine, oh my days; the things she’s going to get up to. I hang my head in shame.

I’ve put a link to the blog in the main menu and I’ll link that blog with this; so you can traverse between the two. Don’t expect each event to appear in both blogs at the same time, they are two very different journeys. Just one is based on the other.

Go take a read, see what you think, I’m off to bed.

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope? I’ll give usual empathy to those who are not and if there’s anything I can do to help, you know where to find me.

Today, I feel like a jar of Marmite – You either love me, or you hate me – Why so? You ask? Polarizing personality maybe? Correct. You see, the further I go along this path, the more I realise that’s what it’s like for us Trans folk. You have your Allies, those that support you and love you in anyway they can because they recognise how hard the journey can be. And you have your haters, those that spew out vile garbage about you wherever they can. Standard philosphy of life? I suppose so but the problem is it can be really hard to tell the difference inbetween the two.

You see; sometimes people will love you in order to find out more about you, and then use that for their own ends. Other times people will hate you because they don’t understand you and will need educating, and there are other extremes of this as well; it’s just how it is. This is all before you add in your own personality and the fact that people can change their minds about you for a variety of reasons; be it you, them or something completely different. Again, that’s life.

Why do I feel like a jar of Marmite today? I’ll tell you (and I’ll try not to piss anyone off in the process)…

Earlier in the week I was talking to a friend of mine, can’t remember what about, but at the end of the conversation I invited them over for dinner. (I’ve had the slow cooker out recently and me & it are best bedfellows in the winter – I love it). I said I’d cook them a spaghetti bolognaise, 24 hour really slow cooked. I check it every hour and check the flavour as well – to make sure it’s just right. Nom Nom.

They agreed to come – All OK. But they then had to cancel because they weren’t well. So we spoke on the phone & we had a good long chat and all was fine. I love those guys, I really do. No issues with that at all. I said I’ll phone around a few friends, I’m sure I’ll get someone to come and help me eat it. When they’re feeling better, we’ll do it again.

Now guys, I know you’re reading this. DON’T get upset or feel guilty about what happened next, I’m writing it because it’s got to go down or it will eat me up – That’s what this blog is for, you know this. As I got on with my day, I got in touch with a few more friends – I’ve got a batch of bolognaise here I need to do something with and I can’t eat it all myself. (Oh yeah, forgot to say, freezers already full from the last batch!). Free food! Cooked by your’s truly! I’m not that bad a cook am I??? Apparently I am. Or at least that’s what it felt like by the time we hit 7pm in the evening.

You see, no one wanted free food! Everybody had an excuse. I’m like. Fuck.

Now OK, I’ve slept on it (which was difficult) and I’ve had time to think. Yes, it was short notice. Agreed. Looking at it logically, should I be upset about that; no, I don’t have the right to. That’s not fair on anyone, even me. Get a grip bitch. But I was. I was really fucking hurt by it. I felt deflated, abandoned, alone. I ended up crying over it (and other things to try and get this out of my system, but I’m not going to go there). Literally I’m sat there on the settee and it’s all streaming out of my face. How can everyone let me down – at the same time??

Well they can – We all have lives to lead, I can’t expect everyone to suddenly jump on my command; who the fuck am I to do that? Am I god? Zues ruler of the gods? Queen Victoria? (Oh yeah, erm…) but no. I’m none of those. I’m just me. Little old me just trying to get on with life and have some good, bad & ugly times.

I am woman, hear me roar…

Love you all,

 

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

You all having a good day? I do hope so, if not; as usual, I do wish you my very best and hope things improve – I really do.

** As I write this post, I do wonder if I should split it into two but in all honesty; I can’t be arsed. So please bear with me, there is a point to it all 🙂 **

So today was a strange day, for me at least. I had a very strange experience earlier, and it’s another one of those days where I’m writing the post at 4am. The 4am part is easy to deal with, that’s when I’m most comfortable writing (no distractions and my brain has had time to processs the previous day). But the other part requires a little more indepth writing…

Anybody who’s read this blog will, quite rightly, assume that I’m struggling in some way to get through this (Never! I hear some cries). That’s fine, I’ve always said I know more than I let on; I just don’t let you know that I know until I’m ready to tell you. Phew! That was hard work. But the reasons why I’m struggling are fairly straightforward. They arent actually anything to write home about. Firstly, the obvious one, is a Male to Female Transition and all the mental changes that come with it. Essentially this is the reason for the blog, to write them down, as Kylie sings “I can’t get you out of my head…”. But secondly, I’m actually growing up; becoming a fully functioning member of society (not that I haven’t been), joining the Female elite; so to speak – dealing with and working out problems that should have been sorted anything up to thirty-six years ago.

Now some of these problems are a bit, shall we say, forward in their nature – They have to be, it’s the nature of the beast (lol). It’s that feeling of being in your face with these problems that make them difficult to deal with. This is also the reason why so many people who transition later; stop, and don’t complete the transition. I’m going to be quite frank with you – As a man, its bloody scary losing your penis unless you’re 100% sure you don’t want it. This is especially true if you’ve used it in anger, as I have. Flipping appendage gets on my nerves, it really does…

So it’s now obvious that there is an issue that I haven’t really touched on, yet? Correct. I’m 100% sure that I’m Female, there’s no doubt about that. It bloody hurts when I think of my life in terms of living it as a Man. I never wanted to, I always felt obligated to – And obligation was a big part of his life. So big, in fact, that it led to massive emotional vulnerability because he couldn’t see past those obligations that he felt he had to commit to. They were just too big to deal with sometimes, and that hurt. But I don’t have to do that anymore, I can choose. If I don’t want you in my life and as an eample; if I think you’re trying to take something I don’t want to give, you’re out. Period. And I really couldn’t give a shit about it, it’s not my loss.

Well if you put all that together, then there’s obviously a sexual issue that I’ve found difficult to face. I’ve tried dealing with it, but I’ve obviously got it wrong; I wasn’t going about it the right way. I just hadn’t grown up and thought about it in the right way. Not at all.

OK, so, I don’t tell many people this (alright the whole world knows now) but I do consider myself psychic (and off go the idiots – not that this post is about that, it just brings me round to a point). But I like to play with Astrology & Tarot Cards and all of that, from time to time – Usually when I’m trying to work something out. When I start messing with that, that is normally the biggest indicator there’s something going on in my subconscious that needs resolving. And you can obviously guess what happened today? No… Yes, go on give me grief for it. As usual it all comes back telling me there’s a block. Aspects in the stars and all that are telling me to go back and work out some issues in order to move forward. Don’t procrastinate, or things will get worse, yada yada yada..

And there is. As is human nature, at some point in our life, we have to choose a mate – go read up on Anthropology, I ain’t going there; I blabber enough as it is but you get what I mean. And Males and Females have different methods of doing so. And yes, for approximately 35 years I’ve worked with the male method of doing so – Think Woman, Point Cock, Go collect prize (Want to argue with me, go look up David De’Angelo first; then we’ll argue on the laws of attraction).

But that don’t work anymore. In all honesty, it never fucking worked to begin with. If I ask all my ex’s what they seen in me, their first answer would be my intelligence and the fact that I was different to other men – now you know why girls 🙂 And it sure as hell isn’t going to work going forward, I ain’t got no testosterone controlling me anymore; so what the hell is going on? Easy.

Dysphoria comes in waves, like a womans orgasm believe it or not; but we’ll get to that part later as well. And my doctors have given me a new drug to try, Degarelix, a GnRH Antagonist (lots of medical terms here). Now the first injection was a roaring success; worked brilliantly and the second injection was the same, fabulous. However the second injection was three times the dosage it should have been, shit. Bring on the third injection and the nurse is back (she was absent for round two) and she panics. Lovely.

“This is the wrong injection!”, she said, “I can’t give you this!” and she flies out of the room to see a doctor. Great. Out comes the phone, off we go to do some research and we find the correct and safe doses, depending on your treatment (although mine is off-label). Back she comes, without the drug, what the f… “I can’t give it to you”, she said, “The doctor doesn’t trust it.” And no amount of arguing will bring her out of the state of panic she is now in, she got worse when I told her I’d already had 2 doses at max strength, I think I’d be OK if she gave me a single vial or measured it out. I’d also just started on the pill (Desogestrel) and the mood swings were kicking in and ultimately, all this led to me having NO injection for 40 days (it should be 28) and severe period symptoms. You gotta love the NHS in the UK.

Fast forward up to date, grabs my doc; argues the point, he sorts it out and the right dose is on repeat and he’ll let me do it myself. Winner, winner, chicken dinner – I have more control over my treatment. Ladies, this is how I’m doing it. I’m using my common sense and being adult about it, not being a flipping teenager who can’t see past their own sex drive (I do know another Trans Woman who can’t get past the sexual entertainment side of it, and they fucking need to before they destroy something).

Right. So I poked the needle in me today and I’m flipping glad I did as well. Within 15 minutes I was back to normal (as normal as I get). I was actually on the phone to my mate at the time when I felt it all shutdown and reboot, and I had to tell her what was going on as she’d already mentioned I sounded a bit weird. But that’s what these drugs do, they shut the wrong shit down and reboot the system so you can go in and fix the problem – hence why I always need sleep after injecting.

So back to normal, feeling fine again but something is not right – Need to sort it. See tarot cards earlier, you get where I was going. I gave up and wen’t to bed in the end.

Right, so we’re down in the core here, and this is why treatment for Gender Dysphoria has to be spot on and you have to see through what the patient is telling you – Out came the emotions. All the Female feelings that I’d been holding back over the last few weeks. The tears, the anger, the confusion, the longing, the wanting… There’s too much Testosterone in there, it’s raised my sex drive and I couldn’t hold it back. Fuck.

But then, as I was lying there in bed, I realised something. I realised I hadn’t dealt with something that I needed to, and that problem has been there since I was a teenager. I was scared of dealing wih it and I had no one to turn to for help – I wouldn’t have been believed. Well I would have done, but they’d have come to the wrong conclusions and sent me down the wrong path as they would have assumed I was gay, and I’m not.

Yes, it was that problem. To help you, as a teenager, I remember lying there in my bed, my sex drive was high and as most teenage boys do; I had a play. But my play was different, I didn’t like the way my brother taught me how to play, I was more intune with my sisters and I wanted to be lke them, I wanted to play like them, I wanted to be a girl.

So I tried to play like them, and I used what tools I had available, and I got so far; but it was never right. There was something missing. Just like there was tonight. Only this time I knew what it was and I knew what I had to to do, and I know I’m going to do it.

But that’s not all that’s come out of tonight. You see, there are two… Interests… shall we say, who have been treating me very respectfully and courting me, good lads. I’ve enjoyed the attention, it’s taught me a lot about the female emotional and sexual response – we haven’t had sex by the way. And it’s been very comforting. But I don’t believe their intentions are strictly honourable, I think they’re playing a game an they’re only after one thing – I am a Tranny after all.

How did I work this out? OK easy, one put barriers in the way. He told a story, presented me with evidence that would have made me question different things and put me off the scent. If X=Y and Y=Z, doesn’t X also equal Z? You dig? The other, was harder, he was a true gent. Came to my house, had a cup of tea, go to know me; my likes, dislikes, my life in general. But he slipped up last time he was here and mentioned my OP. He asked me have I had it yet? Like it was important to him. Then backtracked when I questioned why he wanted to know, as he should know the answer to that – If he’d been listening…

Chasers, they call them. They chase Trans people and fetishize them for their own sexual entertainment. Fucking freaks me out. Even more so as I played that part myself at one point and watched all the porn movies, and logged onto the dating sites, etc.

Looking back; it makes me fucking sick. If I’d have known then what I know now; I’d have left well alone, but I didn’t. What’s worse, is some of this shit goes back 20 plus years. I’ve had internet access since the World Wide Web was invented in 1991; by Tim Berners Lee (at the CERN research institute in Zurich, by the way). And high speed internet access via ISDN or better since 1998. I was also on the team that brought high-speed internet access to the masses in the UK, in 2006 (there’s a story behind that).

I’ve always had access to so-called “Tranny Porn”, as cisgender males describe it. I just never fucking knew I was one, it never entered my fucking head that that was why I was watching it. I could always hide this shit behind the possibility that I was gay, or later; bisexual. But coming out as Trans has been a liberation for me, and living life as a woman, even more so. I’ve never been happier, my environment has never been so fulfilling, and my life, almost, complete.

Yes there’s more work to do. Yes there’s still some small issues I have to resolve. Yes I have to continue on my journey and see it through. But here’s the thing; that one day, that one incident, should have been enough for me to take action and deal with this as a teenager, and I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I was scared. I was a scared little girl screaming out for help inside the body of a tired, scared, little boy. Having no voice and way out. Trapped, seemingly forever, inside a prison not of my own making. And it’s always been said by people I know that I’ve been crying out for help, and I needed to figure out why.

Well now I know, now I’m getting the help and I’m doing most of the work myself – Because I can, and there’s no one else to do it for me. Charing Cross, the GIC in London, I am ready for you. I am ready to start my treatment and put this to bed for the last time. I just hope you guys are ready for me as I’m not in the habit of fucking about, not with my history; I’ve learnt the hard way…

Love to you all,

 

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

Hope you’ve been enjoying your Sunday, so far. For those in the world who are waking up on Monday? Have a great day, and I hope it’s a good one for you 🙂

Firstly, let me apologise if the content of some of these posts seems random, disparate or disconnected. That’s intentional. You see, the whole point for the blog was to write down my thoughts and feelings as I finally transition into the woman I was meant to be and that is what is happening now, finally.

He; the shell that carried me for so long and kept me alive while I was waiting to be set free, is no longer in existence. He is gone. There’s still some niggles that I need to take care of, loose ends that need to be tied up and affairs brought to a close. But he has since passed into history. There’s paperwork that needs changing over (there’s still some left, god I hate paperwork), I need to find a job (working on it, interviews in hand), there’s a whole financial mess that he has left behind and needs straightening out (won’t be pretty, and it’s going to affect my future). But it’s all gotta be done and taken care of – I need to get my **** together if I’m to build a new life.

But there’s one thing that really has to be sorted out, the one thing I can’t deal with on my own; and that’s my physical transition  – The transformation of my body from Male to Female, so that when I look in the mirror I see me, not him. You see, now my mind is free, I need to set my body free too. I’m working on that, but it’s going to take time. And the best things come to those who wait.

I know what I want to have done, but I’m never going to be able to get it all done, at least I don’t think so. And that is something I have to accept, there are limitations as to what can be done. I’m not no spring chicken for starters, I’m not 16, I’m 46 and as a natural female; I would be hurtling toward menopause right now and all the hormonal changes that brings to a woman’s body. As my body is still partly male, that also means hormonal and physiological differences outside of the reproductive system (such as broad shoulders, etc). And not all of those can be resolved using current technology.

That has huge psychological ramifications when trying to deal with Gender Dysphoria and Body Dysmorphia. So, allow me to bullet point the physical changes that I’m dealing with, and you’ll start to get an understanding of the psychological aspects of the Transition:

• The obvious one is my hips, they’ll never be as curved as a natural female. I wear pads under my clothing; which helps when I’m dressed in the mirror but it’s never quite right when I’m naked.
• My skin is amazingly soft now and a proportion of my body hair has stopped growing, thank god but those damn legs can get hairy real quick!
• I have boobs – small ones, but boobs, and they’re growing – Assisted by the addition of the Female Contraceptive pill, would you believe.
• Facial hair growth has slowed and I’m assisting it’s removal by home IPL treatment. Long term I’ll need Laser treatment of full Electrolysis to remove it permanently but I’m achieving good results on my own.
• The hair on my head is growing really well but taking longer than I expected, so I’m still wearing a wig for the time being.
• I’m considering some kind of facial surgery. I know I thought I might not need it but I think it’s going to help, as I can still see him sometimes when I look in the mirror (especially if I’m not wearing the wig)
• And finally, there’s the appendage, between the legs, that one. That’s what caused the doctors to assign me as Male at birth and it’s the one thing that absolutely HAS to change. Apart from my son, it’s never done me any real favours – And if any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I know that has just upset you but I promise you the relationship we had was real, I just couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know (but we’ve all had this conversation, and I stick to what I’ve said to each of you)

So you see, the last point is the one that opens up the dialog about the psychological ramifications. And there are key things which, when I look back over the course of my life, were basically tells as to what was happening there. They’re private, and I think they’re going to remain so, they need to die with Bert actually and that’s my next task.

Still, knowing what I know now and applying it to the situation back then, I should have worked it out a long time ago, when I was a teenager; if I’m honest – And before then looking at certain photographs I’ve seen recently. They were all there, all the giveaways, the tell-tale signs, the pointers along the way. But I was brought up in a dichotomy, there were exceptions rather than rules and I wasn’t assigned an exception; so therefore I had to stick to the rules. I can take something from that, something useful. But I have to make my own rules now, and stick to them. The environment I was bought up in no longer works for me, it’s time to move on. Stage Two Complete…

Much Love,

 

Vikki xx