Morning gorgeous ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍 xx

How are we all today? I hope we’re all good and staying safe.

The world is a very different place at the moment, from what it once was and nobody can predict what the likely outcome of current events will be. Whatever happens, we’re all human; we should all be standing together, arm in arm, as brothers and sisters. Kindred spirits. Not fighting against each other. War and conflict has its place, and there must be no alternative to it. But fighting for the sake of fighting and tit-for-tat politics, do not a stable world make. For those involved in the current hostilities, world wide, my heart goes out to you all and I pray for peace soon.

Moving on though, normal service will be resumed. For now. As I don’t think there’s much more to write on this blog. There’s a massive amount of artefacts in my post history and they will need to be cleaned up; which will keep me busy for a while. I’m sure. But a piece of news landed last week; which puts me into my final stage of transition. The light at the end of the tunnel is most definitely on and shining bright.

And no, it is not Thomas the Tank Engine steaming towards me at 100mph!… What’s that song?

I see trees of green

Red roses too

I see them bloom

For me and you

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Louis Armstrong,

That’s what I see. Bathed in sunlight. This is definitely the end of the tunnel and I’m so glad I found it. It’s only taken me 50 flipping years!So what’s gone on? What’s happening? What’s occurring?? I’ll tell you. I’m not going to hold you in suspense (much). And I do apologise for my court language, this is Victoria in the raw. Bottom of the barrel thinking here, it don’t get much deeper than this for me

For me, one of the biggest issues I’ve had to deal with on a personal level, as far back as I can remember. Is why the fuck can’t I keep my hands off my Penis? What the fuck is that all about? And a second one that’s had a big part in my transition going so quickly, is… Why the fuck do I like sex on my back, ticking my bits and ramming things up my rectum? This is not shit that men do! This goes against everything my upbringing was all about. And I was brought up with LGBT, I was always aware of it meant – My uncle is Gay, he was a drag queen for years; I met loads of his friends, including Trans Women that he knew. But I’m not like him though, since I don’t see myself as being gay and active refute anyone who claims I am. I’m not gay; which answers the question of why I’m such a Bitch on Grindr! Lol.

Since I’ve transitioned, I’ve had the answer and it’s so straightforward, that it made no sense as to why it took me 45 years to see it! – It’s not supposed to fucking be there? Why the fuck was I born with a Penis, when everything about my attitude and personality is Female? Our lord and creator, or whatever you believe in, was being a bastard when I was born! Lol. For Tuesday’s Child (which I am) they clearly had a hangover when I was born, didn’t they? When life gives you lessons, make lemonade; in my case, I decided on Lemon Tart! Seriously.

Anyway, in order to put things right; I’ve had to jump through a few hoops. Big ones. And I believe that was necessary, it was right. Because If you’re going to go through surgery to have your Penis removed, or your vagina closed up, or your tits removed; you can’t have any regrets when you wake up from the anaesthetic! You asked for it, they queried you (as anyone would), you dumbed them down. They did what you asked – You can’t exactly do it to yourself, can you? You gotta know it was the right thing to do and you gotta be clear on that. Because, the long and the short of it is, someone’s going to lie you down on a slab, knock you out cold and take a fucking knife to you. There could be complications, there are risks involved and you cannot reverse the outcome. Once it’s gone, it’s fucking gone. Goodnight.

So how does this apply to me? Well, guess what? They’ve just told me I can have it done, if I want it. They’ve accepted my reasons for having it done, and they’ve accepted that I have made the Transition, as best I can, from one Gender (or sex, whatever suits your brain) to another. To THE other… I’ve gone from from one end of the spectrum, to as far as I can on the other, and I accept my fate. I accept what I am and I accept who I am – In order to be congruent, this is what I must do. And once this is done, I will get out there and live my life as best I can. And I will make as much of a success of it as I can.

I will not regret my decisions, I will uphold them as they are the right ones for me.

So. I gave this post a title (as I always do) and it’s a cryptic one (as it always is). So why did I choose this particular title? That’s easy, if you’ve not got it by now… What was that song by Frank Sinatra?

And now, the end is near

And so I face, the final curtain

My friend, I’ll say it clear

I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain

I’ve lived a life that’s full

I’ve travelled each and every highway

And more, much more than this

I did it My… Way…

Frank Sinatra

I have a visit with the surgeon, I get a date, I go under the knife. And I got there my way. Without help. Without seeing a psychologist, counsellor or whatever. Without listening to Trans rhetoric or falling into the trap of becoming something I am not. I considered everyone else and I didn’t make it about me. I carefully thought about each decision along the way, and I made sure it was the right one for me before I took the next step. I did what I had to do, I followed the rules and I did it the right way…

But I also did it my way.

Much love,

Vikki ❤️ xx

Morning gorgeous xx

How are we all today? As usual I hope you’re all well and staying safe. I’m gonna be honest with you today, I’m not. In fact, for the last few days all I’ve done is sleep. For the last few months, if someone doesn’t drag me out of the house, I’ve not wanted to go out. You wouldn’t know any of this as I’m very good at hiding things (I hid from myself for 45 years – Now that’s a skill).

No. I sit here today and I want to cry. I want to burst out in massive tears of emotions and I don’t understand why. There have been times over the last few days (weeks actually, but lets not split hairs) where I’ve actually wanted to end my life – Even to the point of planning how I would do it and which way is the most effective, painless, and least troublesome to everyone else. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to.

And yet, somehow, I do. I pull myself out of this on a regular basis and I get up and I try again. I put a smile on my face, so no one knows the real pain and heartache I feel every day. And some days, I even get to the point where I think I’m happy.

But I’m not.

This is not a new thing to me though, I’ve felt this way for years. I’ve been to counsellors, shrinks, psychs.. I’ve tried almost every anti-depressant drug imaginable. When I look back at my life, I see a catastrophe littered with bright lights and shining stars – Some so bright no one would ever believe they’re mine. But they are – Every story I tell there’s a grain of truth in it. I was there, at that point in time, when that happened and I had something to do with it. These are my memories. Believe them.

Other people see things differently. They see a different version of you, than you do. They see the smile, they see the act, they see the outward appearance. They see what you want them to see. It’s human nature for us to do so. There are times when we can be ourselves & not wear a mask, and there are times when we cant & we have to wear a mask. Society dictates the rules, the heirarchy, the direction of travel. Without it there would be Anarchy and Anarchy does not equate to evolution, yet it does equate to change.

So what has all this got to do with HRT? What is it that they don’t tell you? What are you trying to say, Vik? I’ll tell you. It’s pretty straightforward really.

Don’t try and do this s*** on your own!

And if there is any legacy that I want to leave with this blog, it’s that there NEEDS to be better care for people like me. We should not be Demonised, we should not be Infantilised, we should not be rejected – Just because we are different. But that also doesn’t mean that we all need to be heard. No. Some of us, and they know who they are, talk through their backside. Trans rights are human rights, and rightly so, but in society only a broad spectrum of those rights are accepted and acknowledged.

Why? To avoid Anarchy. To achieve balance, order, integration, acceptance. We cannot be all things, to all people, all the time; it’s not possible. I can accept you for who you are, but I have the choice whether I like it or not. I have the choice to interact with you, or not. If I have to, I will but if I don’t, why should I? But it is wrong of me to target you and ostracise you; just because I don’t like something about you.

So what’s this got to do with HRT? and what don’t they tell you, that you need to know? And you did it on your own, why are you backtracking now??

HRT creates change, and with change comes Anarchy; a loss of order. Things will be different, you have to accept that – And you can’t do that without help. Someone has to monitor you, someone has to watch you, someone has to care. And yes, you have to care for yourself enough to go through this in the first place. But I see the ever growing list of names at TDOR (Trans Day of Remembrance) every year and I know that there are people out there for whom the fight is over. That there are people out there who have given up. That there are people out there who lost the battle.

But I also know that there are people out there that won. There are people out there flying the flags, every day, for people like me. Actively pushing for change, so that people like me don’t end up going through this alone. That there are people who care.

Transitioning fucks with your head, whether you want it to or not. HRT will play with your mind and your body. Your life will change. Be prepared for that. To those people who are going through this alone; even in part, my heart goes out to you all. Take help where you can get it, even if it’s just for one day. Even if it’s reading this. Take comfort from the fact that there are people out there who ARE on your side, who ARE on your level, who ARE going through what you are going through; even if we don’t see eye to eye on every point in the rulebook.

You can do it, you can win. Have respect for others and they will have respect for you. If you help someone, accept help from someone. Aim for balance, and you will always win through in the end.

They don’t tell you that it’s going to fuck with your head. They tell you it’s a bed of Roses. It’s not. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best, and you’ll make it through…

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Pride month is near,

June is on it's way,

The the sun is shining somewhere,

Have a lovely day...

Vikki Kinsella, 15/05/22

How are we all today? Are we good? More importantly; are we well, safe and do we have the capacity to live through this day without fear?…

If you do, count yourself lucky and enjoy all the benefits that your life will bring you. But do spare a thought for those less fortunate, as there could be one standing right next to you and you would never know it – A smile can hide a thousand words, and expressions, actions & body language are all capable of being controlled. If someone doesn’t want you to know how they’re feeling; they don’t have to let you know, and it’s not your right to know if they don’t want you to. They can play you like a fiddle and you will never know, just read any story about someone committing suicide to understand what I mean.

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So… Why did I just write that? That’s a bit expressive, don’t you think? Some would consider it harsh. It’s very direct, that’s for sure – Tells it like it is (which is not unusual for me, as any long time reader will know). But what was the purpose of that statement? And the title? What’s happened for me to write this? I’ll tell you.

Transphobia comes in many forms – ANY phobia, comes in many forms. Phobia is fear, phobia is negativity and as I’ve written about in previous posts (see Here for on that) fear is purely a reaction to stimulus that the brain can’t comprehend. The brain can’t process a stimulus from the senses, the neural cortex determines that continuing to experience the stimuli carries a risk that is unacceptable and reacts against it. Fear being the primary emotional response but stimuli from other senses can modify or confirm the feeling and attenuate or accentuate the response as time passes.

So, phobia – A fear of something unknown, backed up by learned behaviour that is contrary to the sensory stimuli at the time the event occurs. Makes sense, doesn’t it? No? If not, get a grip – You shit yourself because you’re scared? Don’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about – “Oh, look, there’s a Tranny! Hahaha, weirdo.” Come on, we’ve all been there. It’s happened. Physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally, it’s happened. In the moment, the minute, the hour… Think long and hard and deep, and don’t come back to me until you have. Because I thought it myself! I’ve been there, I was scared of Trans people and I was LGBTQ friendly, as I was brought up with it! You’re not arguing with me this side of next week. I know. And I’ve been scared of it myself. But I digress, as I always do…

Phobia is a response to something the brain cannot control, so fear takes over and the behaviour is ingrained, as the brain learns and copes. No change to behaviour, a Phobia is the end result. Transphobia is behavioural actions, from learned behaviour, from external stimuli, setup to view Trans people as a negative; and therefore repulsive, influence – The brain says no and doubles down on that.

These people need to get over themselves and (likely) the control methods designed to influence their behaviour. Until they do, Transphobia will always exist.

And there will always be people, just like those I met on saturday night down the local; that will fear people like me – Guys, I am NOT Ru-Paul, and he himself (yes, it’s a he), as I am led to believe (and I have no reason not to) is one of the most Transphobic people in the entertainment industry – Why would he promote Drag Queens? They do it for the entertainment of others, not to save their life. If it’s about them, they’ve already lost. And they can say what they like; they’ve already failed by being what they are; I was brought up with it, I know the truth, I will not fall down that rabbit hole even if I can do it better than most of them combined (I can play ragtime on a piano, with a broken hand! – bring it bitches).

Transphobia needs to be blocked at the source. And the source is the fear that comes from social conditioning based on religion; or crowd control. It is time for change, and the time is now.

Thank you.

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are we all today? Are we feeling good? For those of you that are not, and cannot find a reason why, this post is for you. Trust that what I am about to talk about and tell you; is a key element of personal success. If there is something that is holding you back from moving forward in your life, what I am about to talk about is your key Light-Bulb moment – You will be sat there like a nodding dog at the end of it.

Just like I was…

And I already knew it. And to really strike it home to me. I’ve already wrote about it – Seriously, when I realised that, my head fell off.

It did, no word of a lie. I’m still reeling from the revelation as I write; because I had to write, I was compelled to write – I’ve got to get this down; the emotion the emotion that I’m feeling currently is far too strong. You must be able to see it in my writing?

I’m sat here, thinking, “What do I do next?”, “How do I deal with this?”, “Do I even need to, once I’ve wrote it down?”. Honest answer, No. Because moving too fast, you replace one feeling with another, and you end up not thinking about what you’re doing. Which is why I’m doing this. There is that immediate response to removing a barrier and moving forward.

Think about it. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Cause and Effect. You turn the TV on, the screen springs into life. You eat something, you’re probably going to need to go the toilet 24 hours later (or less if you shouldn’t have eaten it). You write a blog and publish it on the internet, someone reads it. Correct?. Everything you do, something will happen. But here’s the thing? What if you’re scared of doing anything? What then?…

I’ll tell you, because I want to share this lightbulb moment with you. That’s why I’m writing this blog, to share my story. To tell people that you can do this, that you can change your life. That it is possible. ANYTHING, is possible.

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Now, I’m not going to do the American thing (sorry guys, I’ve seen it so many times; it’s a default association – I have really good friends who are American, and I love them to bits; just so you know) and set you up to buy my Life Changing Book, that everyone must read; available in all good Bookstores for £39.99, or our special discount price of £25.00 if you order from this website in the 22 seconds… Nah! Stuff that. Make’s your head explode, doesn’t it?

What I’m going to ask you to do, is to read a few things. Nothing more, just follow the links I’m about to give you, in a Top to Bottom order. Nothing more than that. No £99 CD’s, £40 Books, £1,000 life-coach courses. None of that. The one single piece of information that you will gain from following these articles will change your life. Not because of the information itself, but because I’m offering you the proof that it’s possible and I’m laying my soul bare to do it. This key piece of information is the reason I’m still alive, people. And it’s the only reason I’m still alive.

Now, every moment I’m thinking, “Is this the right thing to do”. Should I be doing this? And the answer is yes. Even though, at times, I feel like a copy-cat; a fraud, because I’m doing on the basis of something that I’ve seen. But I believe this. I believe this. I believe it is possible. To conquer. Any. Fear…

Yep. So fucking simple isn’t it? Fuck me, it’s like a lightbulb. But the only reason I’m alive is because I learnt love my fear and accept it as a part of me. Because it is. I can’t change it. But I’m not going to let it rule my life either. And I love the fact that I can feel that fear. Makes me gush

Look, read these and watch the video. The Video is not mine, hence why I’m apprehensive about this. But I believe that’s the validation I’ve been waiting for. And now I’ve got it, I’m passing it on to you. For free. I should be writing a best selling book about this, and making a fortune, aiming aiming to live in a big mansion with lovely gardens. No. My life has never been about that – I’ve had money and lost it. And I’ve also come up with ideas that have change the lives of a lot of people, and got no recognition for it. No.

I’m taking control of this. Follow these steps, and if you have the tools needed to change your life; ping back and let me know. I get my happiness from seeing people smile.

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Right. What do you need to do? It’s simple. Follow these links. One by one. You’ll learn about me, you’ll learn how I conquered my fears and you’ll learn how to do it. That’s it. Here we go

My Story – Feeling Trans

Reasons for Change. – Feeling Trans

A Brave New World. – Feeling Trans

Toiletgate. – Feeling Trans

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to write – Feeling Trans

Hidden Disabilities Do Exist – Feeling Trans

Rejection – In all it’s forms – Feeling Trans

Lies… And the people that tell them. – Feeling Trans

By now, you’ll have the measure of me. Now for the gemstones…

Fear – Redefining viewpoints in a negative way – Feeling Trans

What no one is telling you about fear and anxiety | Kristen Ulmer | TEDxNaperville – YouTube

That last one nail’s it. Kristen Ulmer is a Genius. She is. There’s a disclaimer under the video from TED; because the science behind what she is saying, hasn’t been proven yet. Well I’m telling you it’s fucking right, because I was like a nodding dog reading it. Because there’s no way I’ll have survived that kind of ****, without knowing, or learning (more importantly), about what she talks about. She has nailed it. Finally.

Now I might write that book. Something is telling me to do it. This, is where I will start.

Much Love,

Vikki Kinsella xx

Morning gorgeous ❤️💛💚💙💜 xx

How are you all today? I hope you are well and staying as safe as can be, in this ever changing world of ours. For those that are facing difficulties, maybe this post will help. It might bring some comfort, maybe you feel less alone?… Maybe it won’t, but do take comfort from the fact that we all our crosses to bear. And (to those who don’t feel that they have a cross to bear) remember, everything changes. And it can change in the blink of an eye. Never forget that.

On a second note, this post was originally written back in May 2021. Life was different back then, for me. And I was in the middle of a transformation that took more courage than I ever thought possible. And one that will, when it’s complete, show the world a completely different version of me than I ever imagined; when I started my transition. I’ve still got a long way to go, and there’s a lot of things that need to come out. But they will. All in good time…

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Now, those who read this blog regularly will have probably noticed a few things about it – There’s a lot of text but not many images? The frequency of my posts can be a little… Odd; for example?… Yes? Well allow me to let you in on a little secret. I have a very plausible reason for it. A reason which I’ve tried to hide, as I couldn’t openly discuss it. A reason which fractured my mental health and drove me forward. Almost, a raison d’etre. But not quite. Have a look at the picture below and see what you make of it?

Take a look at the X-Ray above, and see what you think. Go on, take your time, no rush…

What you’re seeing is the result of an attack that happened on the 6th of May, 2018 – Nearly four years ago – Yes, that’s an X-Ray, taken at the time, of my right hand. Believe it.

Now bear in mind that, prior to the incident, I was a time-served IT Engineer with 30 years experience; and an accomplished pianist, composer & DJ in my spare time. And you’ll start to realise that that incident changed my life completely – It was never going to be the same again.

But can’t they do something about it? Surely that’s repairable?

Well. This is where it gets interesting. And not all in a good way. Please allow me to tell you the story of what happened, and I’ll allow you to make your own judgements. Sound OK? If so, then I’ll begin…

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The story starts prior to my transition, in 2017. Back then, I was just an ordinary man with a slightly extraordinary life. I’d finally discovered that I am Autistic and was coming to terms with the upheaval in life, that had been wrought upon me with that revelation (Trust me, it changed a few things). My closest friend at the time was helping me to turn my life around, and bring some sense of normality back into it. As I’d lost almost everything I had; but managed to find a home for myself (I could drift off into the back story here, but I’m not going to; maybe in a later post). And I was working as a Senior Analyst at HR software company here in the UK (Read Toiletgate for how that ended). I was starting to get things back on track – Making new friends, building a relationship with my son, struggling to hold a job down; all the usual. I was in recovery, I just needed time.

Well as you know from the fact that this blog exists, I never got that time. Things changed for me August Bank Holiday, 2017. Slap! Right in the face. Just when you think you haven’t got enough to deal with? Deal with this as well… Oh, and this shit is big. Like catastrophically big. Yeah, it’s called Transition.

So as you’d know if you’ve read most of my posts (see “A Brave New World“, and work forward from there, if not), my transition was quick. Stupidly quick. I didn’t go through any of the Cross Dressing stages that most go through, and I never lived a double life. I went from one, to the other, in three months flat. Took me by surprise, never mind everyone else.

But that was the problem, being out and proud from day one is the worst way going about it. And yet it can be the most successful. I faced my fears head on, dealt with them as they happened, and fought back where necessary. I am not one to take discrimination, in any of its forms, lying down – Respect my Existence, or Expect my Resistance; is pretty much me through and through. There’s a sharp end of that, though. And it came from a place I never expected – My bestie’s boyfriend. At that point in my life, you didn’t get much closer to me than that; as my family were not present during my transition (You’d expect them to be, but that’s a wholly different story). So when I realised that he was Transphobic, it put me in a very difficult position; do I say something? Or don’t. There’s got to be a way of dealing with this amicably; it’s all about balance, right?

There wasn’t… Not at all.

In fact, over time, his attitude to both me and her, for knowing me, deteriorated extremely rapidly. In fact, he was my first lesson in how men treat women; and it was a shock to the system, let me tell you!

He was a musician and music producer as well. And when he found out that I could play and write music, he was hell bent on getting me in front of recording equipment. And eventually, he managed it – I decided to write a song for TDoV 2018 (Transgender Day of Visibility). I wanted to do something to show that I was a part of that movement, that I was Trans myself and I understood; Because I was already feeling stark discrimination, on levels which nobody should be discriminated on (see Toiletgate).

So we did it. We wrote a song. He seen me play like I’d never played before, and he was impressed. I gave him enough material for about for or five songs, in one twenty minute session. Even my bestie came up to see what was going on (and she never bothered, normally). The tune was awesome and everybody that has heard it says it should be released. And it’s here for you to listen to, if you want…

I think it’s good, tinged with sadness, but it’s good. Nice bit of EDM to break up your afternoon. It is flipping copyright though, so don’t be nicking it – But you can download it if you want. Creative Commons Licence 2.0 and all that.

So all is well (or so I thought), we write this tune, we’re unsure whether to release it or not. Discussions are being had. But while this was going on, the relationship between him and my bestie was deteriorating, flipping rapidly. Like, what the actual… Was going on. I didn’t like it one tiny little bit and I was concerned. But I kept out of it for her sake, even though I knew it was me that was the problem and I couldn’t do anything about it. Wasn’t my place to. I steered clear as much as I could though.

Her mum decided to try and sort it out, and too them away on Holiday; hoping things would ease up. Good shout, just… Too late. The holiday ended disastrously and he flew back on his own and locked himself in the house. At which point, I got the call.

He’s going out for the day; can you go in, get the locks changed, get his stuff out and call me when you’re done – We’ve split up. And, rightly so, I’m gonna do it. She’s my bestie. I knew it was him and on that call, she iterated to me that she was choosing her bestie over her fella (They’d only been together about a year and I’d known her nearly three). So in I went. No questions asked, it was a no brainer.

Except things don’t always go according to plan, do they?

Locksmith turned up late, I didn’t get enough time to get it all sorted and he came back as I was finishing up. And that’s when the argument started and the fight began. My priority was the house and the dogs, he was the least of my worries; whatever happens, happens, I’ll deal with it. If there’s going to be a fight, I’m not backing down, I’m under orders to protect the house. It was one hell of a fight, I assure you. I would not back down, even after we went through the garden hedge and fence into the neighbours view. I was in the right.

It was at this point the neighbour came out, but they didn’t intervene straight away. Which left enough time for him get up, hold me down, extend my right arm as far as he could, and snap my fingers back in an attempt to get the key out of my hand. Hyper-extending the ligaments, snapping them and breaking bone in the process. I let out a very loud scream and it was only then, that the neighbour intervened. Pulling him off me.

I was in a lot of pain (I am now, trust me, this hurts to write down).

I got up and ran away, straight into the arms of a waiting policeman. Who once he got involved made the mistake of allowing him back in the house, even though all his stuff had been removed. Things went missing, she’s told me and I believe her. He should never have been allowed back in, supervised or not.

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I went to hospital and the incident went down as an affray, and no one was charged. There are reasons for that but I’m not going into them – Just understand that, whether I like it or not, it was the right decision. You don’t have the full story, and it’s taken me four years to come to terms with that. It’s hard enough for me to write this, so do not judge; it’s not for you to do.

I didn’t receive proper medical help for several months after the event, which is a failing of the UK NHS; that has taken me a long time to come to terms with, as well. They tried, but it wasn’t enough. They should have operated on both fingers and not just the middle one. Surgical straightening was not enough intervention to resolve the issues with the ring finger and it is still bent out of place, even now. and I’m in a lot of pain.

But you know what? I won’t let it stop me. I’ve started posting again; this is the reason why there’s so few posts between mid 2018 and now – It fucking hurts! I’ve started playing the piano again, and I’ve got a new song in the works, I can’t wait for you to hear it. It’s good. And I’m looking for work, but not having much luck. Que Sera…

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So that’s the next part of the story. There’s more to come. I need to go back through over 100 posts and see what I’ve written about; probably best not to duplicate effort. But once I get my head around where I’m at, things should start to happen. I’ve changed, a lot. And I like the changes. I feel so much more human now, than I ever did. I hope you like them too. Because the only way is up. The twenty year circle is complete. It’s time to move on.

Much love,

Vikki xx