Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope. As always, I hope that life is treating you well, I wish you every success and, if life is not heading in an upward direction, that it will do soon. And I hope it gets easier for you. In the meantime, however, I’ve been given something to think about. And in addition, I promised I’d answer a question on a particular subject; for someone, in this post.

Now, I never normally identify anything or anyone directly, due to this being a public forum. There have been issues in the past, and I stick to my guns on all of them, but everyone has a right to anonymity. I give enough information for the people involved to know it was about them, but if you weren’t involved, you’d never know who was involved.

This post, however, is different. As I was asked a question earlier by a friend who I used to work with, at a company in Littleport, Cambridgeshire. We got on really well, and we lived in the same village for a short while. But times move on and age now works for quite a well known institution in London; whereas I have bounced a little bit and gone through a few changes. But I’d like to thank her directly for asking the question she did and, as promised, answer it.

So, thank you Hannah; your question is definitely a good one and the answer will be food for thought, I’m sure…

---

What was the question she asked? Simply put and verbatim, if that’s not too much of an issue (I’m sure it wouldn’t); her question was this:

“Bless you. Are you enjoying life as a lady? Would love to know if you think it is a tougher gig on our side? ☺️ It must have been a very difficult decision to make and communicate, so huge respect to you for being brave enough to be true to yourself 💓x”

Hannah, February, 2020

In my reply, I advised I would answer the question here, tonight. And I stick to that promise. Although I’ll give a short version, and a more in-depth one, as there’s more to this than meets the eye…

So, OK, the short version is relatively quick and painless but asks more question a than it answers. As it is straightforward, see below:

Hannah, to answer your question; Yes and No, but for different reasons. What's easy for one, is hard for the other, and vice-versa. Society is much more bias towards men, but they don't have as much fun because they can't get away with as much. Although the balance is probably 60 / 40 in favour of men when all the cards are on the table.

OK. The feminists in the room have just stood to attention and the Chauvinists in the room quickly stood to greet them. Great. Do me a favour guys and gals; take your arguments outside, your the extremes and you’ve stopped listening. Until you’ve calmed down, there’s no point in you reading further. For the rest of us, I promise to keep the science, politics and personal viewpoints to a minimum. And continue…

Let me use an analogy that I used to use a great deal, earlier in my career, when teaching people how to use computers. It’s a simple one and it goes like this; “As God made man in his own image, then man makes computers also; in his own image”. Gotcha yet? Well it’s simple, look at the human brain and compare it to the components of a personal computer – They both have memory, short and long term. The have storage. They video and audio capabilities. Processing and executive functions. Operating Systems….

Making sense? Look at it another way, Neurotypical Typical people run MS Windows, Autistic (NeuroDiverse) people run Linux. Get it?… Knew you would, lol

Well OK then, how the hell does that apply to men and women? For sure Men and women are built and designed differently – From the ground up to do different jobs but what?

Let’s change our viewpoint slightly. Let’s look at software and hardware, as both are needed for a computer to run. And let’s keep the viewpoint a simple one – Without the hardware, the computer wouldn’t exist and without the the software, the computer doesn’t work and wont run. Clear so far. Well now apply that one level up. Computer > Human > God…

Lightbulb switched on yet? I’ll wait…

Continue reading “Life on the other side” →

Morning Gorgeous xx

I say morning gorgeous as that’s my standard greeting to you all, and a bit of a trademark (figuratively speaking) regarding the way I greet people in general. It’s been said in the past that I’m so laid back I’m practically lying down, lol. And I suppose that’s true for, the most part, and I dare say there are those that will second that.

It’s also at this point that I normally ask of you as to how you are doing; wishing you all well, in my own inimitable style. And I do, I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that all is well. Its not out of courtesy, I say these things from a point of genuine interest. I know there are regular visitors to this site, and I know there are infrequent visitors both new and old. But anyway, I digress…

This post is a little different. For a start, it’s written at 12:49am; when I usually do most of my writing around 3-4 in the morning, and very rarely during the day. In addition, there isn’t actually a defined point to the post. To be completely frank, as I write, I have no idea what I’m writing; or, in fact, why. I’m not even sure what the exact “lightbulb moment” was that made me pick up my mobile and log on.

What I do know, and this has happened with every single post I’ve ever written, I’ve had to write ‘something’ in order to relax my mind and drift off to sleep. There’s always been a point to my posts, even if it hasn’t presented itself thoroughly or I’ve tended to digress wildly; only returning to a main theme occasionally.

I’m sure I’ve also written posts that could make the reader think; “what planet is this woman on?”. Let’s be honest, I know that’s what I’ve thought when proofing a post before publishing. Oh yeah! Proofing… That little gem of an editing string that I’ve so fearlessly avoided at all costs, on several occasions… Dare I ask what I was thinking? I was too busy thinking about the content of the post, lol. Yeah, get it down, get it out, deal with it, done. It kinda works for me.

Alot has happened in a short space of time, recently. If you’d have asked me this time last year if I was thinking of moving home, I’m pretty sure I’d have laughed you out of the room. And yet, here I am. If you’d have said to me at ANY point in time over the last two years (God has it been that long!); that I’d be back in touch with my family and my favourite step-sister, I would have called you a liar, used several expletives and ignored you for the remainder of the conversation. And yet. That’s what’s happened and here we are. Hatchets have been buried, wrongs have been put right, new perspectives on old issues have removed rose-coloured glasses and allowed clear vision. And I can walk through the streets of my home town with my head held high – barring a minor issue from around 12 years ago that just won’t rectify itself – but I should’ve done things differently on that one, and I have to pay the price. I make mistakes, I’m human after all.

In all honesty, every bed of roses has a few thorns attached to the stalks. It would almost impossible not to – Things are changing though. I’ve signed up for a number of courses to expand my knowledge in areas that I lack. Particularly in the area of management…

Seriously, I’m fed up of looking through a glass ceiling at people with, typically, 10 years less experience in industry but who, because they can sit a degree, are in a position to tell me what to do. I’ve worked my fingers to the bone and have been metaphorically kicked, punched & abused in an industry that I’ve had such an amazing amount of passion for; that I’m surprised I still want to get out of bed and go to work in a morning.

I love IT. I love computers. I’m an ideas girl. There’s a story in my history that I’m going to write about soon that blows people away every time time I tell it. But because of the position I was in at the time and because I didn’t have the skills, and knowledge of myself that I do now, I was robbed of the glory and the proof that it was me. Oh well, I’ll write it up soon in a way that other parties are unidentifiable and I’ll allow you to draw your own conclusions. At least that way no one gets hurt.

But that’s my point. When is it ever going to be my turn? When do I get to tell anyone what to do? You can’t sit on the ground for this long without working out what’s going on above your head, where it’s going wrong and how to fix it.

I’m told I have a vocal and communication style that draws people in, makes them want to listen and can educate them at the same time. I’m also told I can communicate at all levels. This is good. But then I went for an interview a few days ago and was told I used unacceptably bad language during the interview. I’ll take the constructive feedback but I’ve been to over 1000 interviews in my career; what was I thinking! (assuming I did swear as often as they said I did, which is open for debate)

Maybe my style is too straight – I don’t pull my punches, I’ll give it to you exactly as it is. No holds barred. Hence my post recently about not sugar-coating the bad stuff – I give as I’m prepared to receive. So maybe a change in communication style is necessary or maybe a complete change in career. I don’t know.

What I do know, and I’ll close this rambling monologue with it; is I’m fed up of looking up at the stars. I want to be up there amongst them. Shining bright like the sun.

“Don’t reach for the stars and sparkle. Be the sun and shine!”

Vikki Kinsella, December 2017

I remember thinking that when I started my transition. I think it still stands today, don’t you?

Much love,

Vikki x

Morning gorgeous xx

I hope your all happy and well, that life is treating you kindly and your needs / wants are all taken care of. If not, and life is not treating you well, I pray you find peace soon ❤

The main topic of today’s post is things that trigger us and make us want to scream. You all know what I mean; you read something, see something, hear something. Or, worse still someone close does something, that you just can’t abide. And the thing is, no matter how hard you avoid it, you’re gonna flip your lid. It’s a trigger – you pull the trigger, the gun goes off, simple… Well I come across one of those today, it came in the form of a Facebook post I seen on my wall.

Now I won’t bore you with the finer points but there’s a school of thought that links Narcissism, and defacto self absorbed traits, with the upper end of the Autistic Spectrum (ASD Level One, or Asperger Syndrome to be more precise). And having taken a brief look at this, I’ll agree there can be similarities in behaviour.

However…

The major difference, is the question of intent. And remorse. And neither of these appear to be taken into consideration by the “elite” who peddle this vitriol without pause for thought.

OK, that’s a real harsh introduction to the subject, and I will, most certainly, advise readers to explore the subject further. And of course, come back and challenge me on it; should they so wish. But the point of this post, however, is not with regards to the Cassandra Phenomenon or what similarities may lie with ASD Level One and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). The point of this post is the fact that comparing the two is a trigger for most people with ASD Level One – Due to the question of Intent, and Remorse.

So what defines a trigger?

Well, the easiest way to define it; is sensory input that breaches a person’s limits and causes an internal or external reaction. The internal reaction can be the reliving of a memory, while the external reaction can be an outward emotion. It’s breached your limits, you can’t get around it.

I’m in a number of Facebook groups, of differing topics (Trans, Autism, IT, what-have-you) and this “trigger” appeared multiple times, generating A LOT of responses. Wow. It fired an entire community into action. What I’m currently thinking is: Why was it posted? What was the intended outcome? I don’t actually know, and the post itself was swiftly taken down (along with the page from the look of it). If the person who posted it is so against an entire community of people, why antagonise (and “Trigger”) a response from that community?

Which brings me back to the Cassandra Syndrome. An autistic person wouldn’t intend on breaking a person they’re in a relationship with (to the point the they feel worthless), a narcissist would. Oh look, Intent… And while we are at it, an autistic person would feel a great deal of remorse once this issue is pointed out to them, a narcissist wouldn’t – it’s all about them.

Food for thought, eh?

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous xx

Hope everyone is OK; as the UK battles storm Ciara. Do remember to check on loved ones in every part of the UK – You don’t really know if everyone is OK unless they’re able to tell you. And for those who are suffering under the battering ram that Britain is facing, I pray you come through this without great loss. My thoughts are with you at this time…

---

Back to the post, as there are comparisons to be made and they’re why I’m writing today, so I’ll make them. But before I do, let me address an issue that has sprung out of the last post.

There have been people in my life that would say I’m an attention seeker, that I use events and people to gain attention to myself. That’s not true. As an autistic person; is see comparisons, correlations and patterns; usually in events and exchanges – If I say I’ve seen something before, I usually have; even if it was in a dream. I’m writing this post in the background of storm Ciara. Not because I want to use the storm to promote the post, but because I see a pattern in the storm; and noticing that has prompted me to write.

What did I see? Simple, storms are natural events that create havoc and cause change. They’re not the type of atmospheric event that you want to be dancing in the rain to. You need to be sheltered, battening down the hatches and hoping that your house is strong enough to cope with the battering that will unfold around you. You need to make sure your loved ones are safe, that the possessions you cannot afford to lose are taken care of and, if resources allow, that those in your community are also safe.

It is not an event that you should be looking forward to….

---

I see my life, currently, as going through a storm. A storm so big that my home hasn’t been able to withstand it, so big that my possessions are at risk and some will be lost, and so big that I’ve had my doubts whether I’ll make it through…

And that’s an admission right there for me – I’m vulnerable, and I will be hurt. I’m going to take a battering getting through this one and my wiley, Rat-type nature (I was born under the Chinese year of the water rat, 1972) isn’t going to be enough to see me through. I’m scared for the future, as I cannot see it; and I need to ask for help, as I cannot get through this alone.

Help has been offered, thank god, and I have a roof over my head because of that – I’m one of the lucky one’s. And I dread to think what life would be like for me had I been homeless this winter. My current situation does make me think about those who are homeless in these conditions, and what they must be going through; trying to battle high winds, torrential rain and freezing temperatures. Huddled in doorways not knowing from which direction the life threatening conditions will come from next.

It puts a more realistic spin on the depression I’m feeling, as I’m certain that I wouldn’t survive these terrible conditions – I wouldn’t know how to cope. Surviving homelessness takes a special kind of person and it changes you in ways most people can’t imagine. I’m lucky, I’ve always had a roof over my head of a night; even if it’s been just for one night. Others are not so lucky and they’ve found themselves battling to survive in conditions such as these, with nowhere to go and no shelter to be found.

What are they thinking, what are they feeling? What are we, as a country, doing to protect them during the storm? If everyone who reads this takes a moment to think about that, maybe we can do what the storm wants us to, and effect change, in a positive way?

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous…

How are you all today? Good I hope. As that’s the meaning of life; to feel good about ourselves, to survive in this crazy world of ours and for life to be peaceful and enjoyable – Whatever issues life may throw at us.

However, life isn’t always like that. It isn’t always a bed of roses, we do make mistakes and life is a challenge. We have good days and bad days. We do things right, sometimes amazingly so and we get things wrong… Also amazingly so. We can’t always have what we want, and there are times when we must pay for our mistakes and paying for those mistakes isn’t always in a way we expect. What was that phrase my mother used to say when she was alive? “God doesn’t pay his kindnesses back in money”, very true one. Of course, me being me, it was a long time before I learnt the true meaning of that phrase, and in order to do so; I’ve had to see both sides of the coin.

Which brings me nicely to the point of this post. I’ve done things I regret, we all have, I very much doubt we’d be human if we hadn’t. It doesn’t matter how big or small those things are; they are there. Sitting in the background of your life, just waiting to come at you one day, and bite your bum. And they will, they always will.

What is the point of this? It’s twofold, let me break them out…

---

Firstly, I’m making a public apology for the things I’ve done wrong. And there’s several terrible things I’ve done, but I did them. It WAS my fault. I WAS to blame. And whatever else I say, to whoever else I do, I will never deny that. I did it, it was my fault. Irrespective of the actions I take or the words I use, if I’ve done something to hurt you, I DID IT. There is no denying that; and anybody who knows me, will know I never will – Especially if the weight of evidence is against me!

Look, I can be argumentative; it’s true, I will argue back. I can, and sometimes will, make you PROVE your point; even in what appears to be the face of reason! I also can, and do, have a terrible memory for events – I MAY NOT REMEMBER! It’s a blank, fill me in and walk me through it; but don’t call me out for it. And I also can, and sometimes will, fly in the face of reason and make that many attempts to apologise that I’ll make the issue a hundred times worse – Walk away Vic, and stay away.

Yeah, I’ve made mistakes as well. Asking things of people I shouldn’t have asked, doing things I shouldn’t have done and taking things I shouldn’t have took. They’re all there, the entire gamut of mistakes that can be made; at some point I’ve made them.

There are people out there who will say I’m not a nice person. They’re right to say that based on the situation we were in. At that time they saw my bad side; and I did what I did because I did it. Period.

For that, I wholehearted and sincerely apologise. I am sorry.

---

But there is a second reason for this post as well, and this is the underlying issue. I’m Autistic – Asperger Syndrome (or ASD Level 1 as it’s known); and us Autistic people, we think and act different to NeuroTypical people. Our brains are wired differently, and not always in a good way. For proof of that; see above. When I look back at my life; I see the many good things I have done, but I also see many bad things – As mentioned, some very bad.

The problem is, I don’t see everything. As an Autistic, I can’t read social cues; be they good or bad. Body language and hidden communication, to most NT (NeuroTypical) people, is a skill that can be learnt and a very useful language when you’ve learnt it, but not to me. I’ll be blunt and to the point – It’s an absolute fucking minefield, ripe for an explosion with me. If I’m going to make a mistake, if I’m going to screw up royal; I won’t see it coming, not a chance.

I can think of a recent situation, which involves a very big wrong that I did to someone, where I walked into an absolute minefield and it blew up in my face. What caused it to blow up in my face was misinterpreted, but I also forgot something that was said to me. It was my own fault, all of it, including the original event.

Here’s the problem though, it wasn’t until I received the outburst of someone anger; that I realised what had happened. And it was talking to someone about it later, that I put two and two together. If the people involved ever read this, to you, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. No if’s, and’s or buts. Period. If you need an explanation, see above. That’s why we are here.

---

So OK, back to the post. Why is it called “360 Degree Feedback”? That’s simple, that’s what I’m asking for; feedback. BUT I’m asking for feedback with a difference. Let me explain, firstly by saying that I’ve expanded this blogs reach – I never intended this blog to enter my professional life, it was always a personal thing. (FeelingTrans means just that; Feeling Transition – The thoughts and feelings, from a brutally honest perspective, of how I’m handling the biggest life-changing decision that anyone can ever make) and secondly, using a hashtag; which I hope, if things proliferate, will bring about some kind of change. Not just for me, but anyone in my situation.

For anyone who doesn’t quite “get it”, who can’t “get it”, who doesn’t understand HOW to “get it”; even if their intelligence level is such as that they should “get it”.

For people like me, the worst thing you can do is be nice when I’ve done something wrong. Thinking you can spare my feelings by sugar coating it, and sweetening it up. And there it is, the hashtag:

#dontsugarcoatthebadstuff

Vikki Kinsella, Jan 2020

Don’t do it. Don’t spare my feelings, because I won’t feel it – Unless you give it to me straight. No point in pulling your punches, because if I don’t hit the floor, it didn’t hurt. I’m not going to cry about it, unless I have no choice and you bring me to tears. And I sure as hell ain’t going to learn from it, unless it leaves it’s mark on me! It’s that simple.

So I’ve linked this blog with my LinkedIn profile. LinkedIn is a business network, owned by Microsoft and prolific all over the world. So this post will appear in a social network designed for business users. A network designed with professional people in mind. Designed to expand your network and enhance your career, moving it forward. Designed to do business, by business, for business.

There’s a problem. THIS POST and this post alone, has the potential to destroy my career. In the beginning, did I not admit my faults, did I not say I can be a bad person and did I not ‘fess up for doing things wrong? Would you want to do business with me?

---

And here’s the deal, here’s what I’m asking. I’m asking anyone who reads this to tell me what’s wrong. If I’ve ever done something wrong to you, air it in the comments (on any forum that you see this). If you don’t like me, say so. If you’ve got a gripe, or a problem, tell me. And don’t hold back.

For those that don’t recognise me, I’ll do something no Trans person should ever do. I’ll give you my former names. In fact, here they are below:

• Vikki Kinsella
• Bert

If you know me and you’ve worked with me, and you’ve got something to say, say it. Come straight out with it. I’m asking you, not to sugar coat the bad stuff.

Much Love,

Vikki xx