Evening gorgeous XX

How are you all today? I hope you’re all good and you’re having fun. That’s all I ever wanted out of life and in the main, that’s what I’ve finally got. So I do hope that, one day, your dreams come true for you too. As I feel they’re starting to for me.

However (and, I hear you cry, “there’s always a negative!”) – there is a negative. A negative I’ve known but never really seen before. A negative that has existed for many years but has been hiding, masquerading as something else, cloaked behind a veil.

I will not comment here on what this is; because, for me, it’s the end of one journey and the beginning of another. It’s the reason I started this blog, to work out who I am and what was wrong, and I’ve done both now. Now I know the truth. The truth about myself and the truth of who I am.

I’m going to resolve this. As it’s the reason for my ongoing depression. And it’s also baggage from the old that I can never take into the new. This issue has no place in the new life I am building for myself, yet it was a part of the old that, in a way, made sense for it to be there. It fitted in, and was excuseable. Passable, almost; as it could be passed off as something else.

It’s exposed itself because; in my new life, it is so completely out of character it is almost, bar a few legitimate exceptions, unbelievable.

But it’s true. It’s true because I am one of those exceptions – I haven’t dealt with it.

Well now I must. I have no choice. I must confront myself and deal with this issue. Alone, somewhat. As I have some really good friends but I’m not sure if they’d understand. I may be wrong, but they certainly can’t help me, beyond being there when I need them – which they already do.

Once I’ve started to work on this one, final, issue. This blog, and its counterpart, will go quiet – for a very long time. It’s going to take a while to resolve this, and I can’t write about it; So I wont. However, once I resolve this, my transition will be complete and everything after that will be a formality.

This is the point I’ve been trying to get to all my life.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning gorgeous, how are you all today? Good, I hope. If not, I do pray things get better for you soon – Sending my love.

So, as you can see, the title of this post is pretty self explanatory. It pretty much nails what my problem has been recently. And I’m glad I’ve worked it out, as I truly believe it’s been a thorn in my side for many, many years. So much so that It’s been mpossible to deal with until now, as its been buried very, very deeply.

Well, let’s go back and take a look at a few things, and see if I can’t put this into perspective. As maybe then, I’ll be able to find a way of dealing with it going forward.

I was loved as a child by my family, there is no doubt about that from everything that they say. I was loved by my mum, similar reason for knowing this. But my mum wasn’t very affectionate. She wasn’t a mumsy mum – She had her own problems to deal with, and, at times, they came first. As can happen, so don’t be angered by the situation.

As you know, I was ill. I had problems, things weren’t right (I wouldn’t be here if they were, lol). So I was sort of Molly Cottled, protected more than the others as the risks of harm were apparently higher. But that didn’t stop things happening, in fact it probably made things worse – see previous posts, it’s all in there. And they did happen; quite frequently in fact.

The problem came when you needed to be reassured that things were going to be OK. That you would get through this and come out of the other side intact. That if you put the effort in, your dreams can come true – As I’ve just found out.

Because you didn’t gain those reassurances in early childhood, and you were left to work it out for yourself, or you were even told something completely different in order to mask the problem and make it go away. You don’t trust those reassurances in later life. You can’t handle someone giving you praise. And you don’t know how to react when something good happens in your life.

Well that’s the situation I now find myself in. And I can’t handle it.

The fallback is to go looking for affection wherever you can find it. Looking for that spark that makes you think things will be OK – even if they’re not going to be. Looking for something you can’t find or doesn’t exist.

(Anybody who knows me will, right now, probably be sat there with an open mouth in disbelief that I am able to see this and admit it to myself.)

But that’s what it is – That’s my problem. Probably always has been. And it hasn’t been helped by my Autism creating barriers that don’t exist.

Well I need to work out a solution, I need this deal with this permanently. And there might be an opportunity to do so coming up soon – it’s early days. But either way, like I always do, once I know what a problem is, I’ll always try and fix it if I can.

Much love to you all,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

Hope your all OK out there? I’ll pass on my usual support to you if not, you know where I am if you need me. I’m always available for someone in need of support, I just can’t see anyone down and out without offering to lend a hand up. Like I have this week, but that’s a different story…

So, I’ll bet you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in a while? No? I’ll tell you anyway. It’s been a very difficult time for me. Now that all the major changes are complete, it’s a case of getting used to my new life. I see the world differently, the world sees me differently. I still react the same, but the world reacts to me differently. I don’t know how to handle that. I have to learn.

There’s a story behind recent events which I will detail in my next post. But the upshot of it is, I s that I nearly lost everything – and I mean it was VERY close, two hours close.

I’d given up. I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t feel like I was getting the help I needed, but I also didn’t KNOW what help I needed. And consequently; no one knew how to help me and I didn’t know how to help myself, or even if I could help myself – things had gone that far?

It’s hard enough to write this but then I look up, and look around, and realise where I am and how I got here, and it was nothing short of a miracle.

I have a new job. A job where they accept me as me, Victoria. They treat me as a woman – I am female. Even the men in the office did the usual; “Let’s get to know the new hot chick” routine – Without even realising that they were doing it. They were very disappointed to discover I was Transgender (smiles) – It’s great; I laugh, I cry, I work, I socialize, I get on with it and I enjoy my day.

It’s a great place to work too, with a lot of benefits that I didn’t expect. Those benefits go a long way to mitigating the errors of the past and although they won’t last forever, while they’re here, let’s not knock them down.

The money. Well. Have you heard the term hitting the floor and bouncing off the ceiling? Yeah, I won’t talk about that. Best not. Suffice to say that it’s good – very good and I appreciate every last penny that I earn; because it is hard earned and well deserved.

So I look around, I realise where I am and how I got here, and the risks I have to take to keep everything together. But I will do it. I will do the very best that I can do with what I have because that’s what life has taught me.

And will be grateful for every single day that I am alive.

Much love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all doing today? Hope you’re all happy with everything or in the process of changing that you are not happy with. You see, change brings about renewal. And renewal creates new opportunities and experiences for us to learn from. And learning helps us grow into better people who can effect or assist change in others – depending on what we’ve already learnt, of course.

Well the last few days have been a learning curve for me, there’s no two ways about that. I’ve learnt enough over the last five days to raise my entire consciousness up one level. I’ve done that because I’ve had to learn to trust people, trust not only what they say and do; but also their motives and instincts. Effectively, I’ve had to learn to trust WHY someone is doing something, but I wasn’t in a position to outright ask the question – I had to learn it on the go. On top of that, my own motives for certain things were also brought into question; and I was judged on my actions once those questions were raised, as well. So as I say, it’s been a tough, very tough, few days.

But I’ve come out the other side, and I’m happy with the result. It leaves me with some very important questions that I must answer, and only I can answer them. The good thing is, I will. By the time we hit Wednesday; I’ll have all the answers I need – That’s a bit quick, you say? Yeah it is. But I know HOW to answer these questions, and that makes a big difference.

While all this is going on, another little rears it’s head; to do with my past. The problem of acknowledging my past and its existence. And that maybe I need to put it right, that maybe I haven’t been as honest with myself, regarding certain things, as I should have been. And it actually tied in quite nicely to what is going on now, without me realising it. Well, I’d actually like to thank the person, from my past, who raised this. They know who they are, and they know where I went wrong. And I did go wrong, VERY wrong. You see, it’s not fair to dissolve four years of your life down to a single sentence; whatever the reason may be. Especially as those years had a profound impact on my life – I’ll put it right chicken, you have my word.

And that brings me neatly onto my final point – I’ve started work on another blog.

You see; I have this blog, Feeling Trans, and this blog is designed to tell you about how I feel. And that’s great, lets all get serious & shit and educate the world; one page at a time. Phenomenal. But as you can see, I am a person, I have a sense of humour and I like to be less serious about things from time to time.

So I’ve started another blog in order to take a less serious approach to the path of Transitioning. And I’d like you to meet Martha Shitapple – The Six Foot Scouse Tranny, lol. Martha is going through hell, just like I did. But Martha’s journey is a lot more Jovial than mine. Her exploits; such as climbing in through a friends bedroom window the night after a party, in order to retrieve her phone. Are definitely a lot more comical than mine, oh my days; the things she’s going to get up to. I hang my head in shame.

I’ve put a link to the blog in the main menu and I’ll link that blog with this; so you can traverse between the two. Don’t expect each event to appear in both blogs at the same time, they are two very different journeys. Just one is based on the other.

Go take a read, see what you think, I’m off to bed.

Much Love,

Vikki xx

Morning Gorgeous xx

How are you all today? Good I hope? I’ll give usual empathy to those who are not and if there’s anything I can do to help, you know where to find me.

Today, I feel like a jar of Marmite – You either love me, or you hate me – Why so? You ask? Polarizing personality maybe? Correct. You see, the further I go along this path, the more I realise that’s what it’s like for us Trans folk. You have your Allies, those that support you and love you in anyway they can because they recognise how hard the journey can be. And you have your haters, those that spew out vile garbage about you wherever they can. Standard philosphy of life? I suppose so but the problem is it can be really hard to tell the difference inbetween the two.

You see; sometimes people will love you in order to find out more about you, and then use that for their own ends. Other times people will hate you because they don’t understand you and will need educating, and there are other extremes of this as well; it’s just how it is. This is all before you add in your own personality and the fact that people can change their minds about you for a variety of reasons; be it you, them or something completely different. Again, that’s life.

Why do I feel like a jar of Marmite today? I’ll tell you (and I’ll try not to piss anyone off in the process)…

Earlier in the week I was talking to a friend of mine, can’t remember what about, but at the end of the conversation I invited them over for dinner. (I’ve had the slow cooker out recently and me & it are best bedfellows in the winter – I love it). I said I’d cook them a spaghetti bolognaise, 24 hour really slow cooked. I check it every hour and check the flavour as well – to make sure it’s just right. Nom Nom.

They agreed to come – All OK. But they then had to cancel because they weren’t well. So we spoke on the phone & we had a good long chat and all was fine. I love those guys, I really do. No issues with that at all. I said I’ll phone around a few friends, I’m sure I’ll get someone to come and help me eat it. When they’re feeling better, we’ll do it again.

Now guys, I know you’re reading this. DON’T get upset or feel guilty about what happened next, I’m writing it because it’s got to go down or it will eat me up – That’s what this blog is for, you know this. As I got on with my day, I got in touch with a few more friends – I’ve got a batch of bolognaise here I need to do something with and I can’t eat it all myself. (Oh yeah, forgot to say, freezers already full from the last batch!). Free food! Cooked by your’s truly! I’m not that bad a cook am I??? Apparently I am. Or at least that’s what it felt like by the time we hit 7pm in the evening.

You see, no one wanted free food! Everybody had an excuse. I’m like. Fuck.

Now OK, I’ve slept on it (which was difficult) and I’ve had time to think. Yes, it was short notice. Agreed. Looking at it logically, should I be upset about that; no, I don’t have the right to. That’s not fair on anyone, even me. Get a grip bitch. But I was. I was really fucking hurt by it. I felt deflated, abandoned, alone. I ended up crying over it (and other things to try and get this out of my system, but I’m not going to go there). Literally I’m sat there on the settee and it’s all streaming out of my face. How can everyone let me down – at the same time??

Well they can – We all have lives to lead, I can’t expect everyone to suddenly jump on my command; who the fuck am I to do that? Am I god? Zues ruler of the gods? Queen Victoria? (Oh yeah, erm…) but no. I’m none of those. I’m just me. Little old me just trying to get on with life and have some good, bad & ugly times.

I am woman, hear me roar…

Love you all,

Vikki xx